Madam Mim

I have been especially not into exercising or eating healthy this year. I don’t know what the deal is, but my motivation has been at an all-time low which is really saying something. My issue with my toe gave me further reason to avoid exercising, then I felt blah from not exercising, so then I just lived in happy snack land. As usual.

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I met with my podiatrist again about said toe and we agreed that running long distance is not in the cards for me in the near future, so I officially gave up on my half marathon in May. Ugh. I really want to run through the redwoods! And I know I could walk it, but doing that for 13 miles on a flat road just doesn’t seem like a lot of fun to me right now. I am also sincerely sad to think that running might be out of the picture for me on a more permanent basis. I’m avoiding dealing with that emotionally. That news happened early last week, and I realized that I really needed to get my shit together [again] and stop leaning into cookies to manage stress because it’s making me moody [moodier] and my skin is breaking out.

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Last week I managed to go to Orange Theory three times, then again on both Saturday and Sunday which felt like a small miracle. I have also gone twice this week, and I already feel mentally and physically better. It is ridiculous how little effort it takes to actually feel an improvement, yet I opt not to make that effort over and over again. I’ve been exercising once or twice per week for basically the past six months (maybe two years?), and that is not going to help me make progress anywhere.

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I have half a closet full of clothes that I love that are a size smaller than I am now, and I really just want to fit into them again. IT IS NOT THAT HARD, CELY. It’s not even like I’m trying to lose a significant amount of weight or anything. I’ve been carrying around an extra 10-15 pounds since I moved out here, and I just can’t be bothered to eat healthier and exercise consistently to deal with it. And I’m not trying to get down to some ridiculous size that is difficult to maintain, just down to the space I can sustain by having a mostly healthy lifestyle. I keep reminding myself that I am trying to live a more sustainable life, so I should not be buying more clothes. Therefore, MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO FIT INTO THE CLOTHES YOU ALREADY OWN. Now, I just have to focus on responsibly consuming the the five boxes of Girl Scout cookies I just received this week.

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Shout out to everyone who is feeling very Madam Mim these days. I feel like my life is an endless loop of wanting to be healthier, doing it, then stopping for insignificant reasons, feeling like garbage for a few months, then wanting to be healthy again. Why must cheese be so tasty and laying on the couch be so relaxing? I truly feel like the only time I’m able to calm down is when I’m flopped on the couch completely absorbed in a book or a TV show.

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Not Not Treating Myself

The best thing about summer on campus (besides the lack of faculty and students) is that we have “summer hours.” In order to save energy, the campus shifts from an 8 am -5 pm day to a 7:30 am -4 pm schedule with a 30 minute lunch break for staff (what is a lunch break?). The A/C turns off of at four, so that is a big motivator to get out of there ASAP. My schedule doesn’t really change when my boss is in town (6:30 am – whenever he gets tired of being here), but when he is traveling I try my best to take what I can to do at home and get the hell out of dodge around four.

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It is the most splendidly luxurious feeling in the world to leave work at four!! I can’t even describe it. This week has been amazing because my boss has been traveling for work, so I’ve been leaving right when that A/C turns off. I’ve been taking advantage of not being at work until 8 pm by going to an early evening Orange Theory class. I usually try to make the 5 am class, but that has been increasingly hard since I’m not getting to bed early enough to wake up at 4:30 am. Obviously, I can wake up at 4:30 am if I’m really motivated, but since I’m never motivated to exercise, doing everything I can to make easy is paramount. So, the evening class is working out so far even though I can barely walk from soreness.

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That Orange Theory is NO JOKE. They really get you to hustle. The other positive to evening workouts is that I can go home and shower then have hours to cool down before bed. Since we are trying not to use our A/C, it’s not really cool and refreshing in the house when I get out of the shower in the morning after a sweaty workout. So, I put on on clothes while I’m still overheated and thus start my day HATING EVERYTHING.

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Whole30/60/whatever is coming along pretty well. I’m on day 11 and I’ve only had one moment of feeling like I would just DIE if I didn’t eat something. I set myself up for it because I went to a See’s Candies to get some gifts (they have the BEST peanut brittle ever) and I then spent the day with bags of chocolate, English toffee, peanut brittle, and truffles at my desk (because it all would have melted in the car). I spent ALL day thinking about how wonderfully tasty all of those things were. Thankfully, I survived and managed to get the treats in boxes and mailed out without consuming any of it. It felt like a miracle.

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No, Aziz. That’s how I got here. So, things are going well and I’ve been exercising consistently and not eating my feelings which always feels like an outstanding achievement.

Spiced Up

Since deciding to not run the Big Sur Marathon and starting my double job duties, I stopped working out and have been more focused on eating a lot of feelings and anxiety. It’s been a bread and beer bonanza.

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The  minute I feel overwhelmed and short on time I completely give up even trying to make healthy choices. And what’s crazy is that it takes more effort to stop and buy crap than it does to just eat what I already have at home. It is craziness I tell you, CRAZINESS! It also doesn’t help that a really nice grocery just opened up right by campus and they have so many wonderful fresh meals in their freezer section. They also have a beautiful salad bar and all kinds of healthy quinoa options, but I’ve been getting the lobster macaroni on the regular. It’s only $6 and tastes like HEAVEN. Someone told me there is no way it’s lobster in there for $6, but do you think I give a crap? It tastes great!

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That mystery ocean meat macaroni is my 8 pm joy. I’ve also been eating lots of bread and cheese and PLENTY of Reese’s. It’s probably a good thing that we are out of holiday candy season because I prefer the eggs, trees, or pumpkins, but I can make do with a traditional cup when I must. Obviously, none of this feeling eating is doing anything to help me mentally or physically. I wake up sluggish, puffy, inflammed, and just generally cranky. I’m hungry all the time (also, shout out to Prednisone for that). Things don’t fit well and I spend all day in a food hangover which only makes me want more food. The usual. So, I’ve been a real peach – tired, stressed out, and cracked out on snacks.

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Are there people who just eat mostly healthy all the time for years on end? I feel like every few months I’m having to get my shit together. WHY IS MACARONI AND CHEESE SO GOOD??? Also, why are my pants to tight suddenly? I don’t understand why I don’t want to eat healthy. It is completely logical. My arthritis does better, and it’s better for your body and well-being. My skin is better, I have less anxiety, and my cltohes fit. But, also, why does a whole lot of cheese taste so good? Riddle me that!! Why can’t I want a salad like I want goat cheese with jam on delightful little crostinis?? WHY.

I’ve also not been working out because it hasn’t been a priority. There’s not a good excuse, I’ve chosen sleep over exercise. I got my act together on Sunday and went to OTF again which was crazy hard, but I am glad I did it. I went again yesterday morning (I was too sore on Monday or Tuesday to do it), and I can barely manage to sit down because everything hurts so much, but I did it! If I can just get through the next few weeks trying to make mostly healthy choices and exercise, then I will be thrilled. Hoping to do another round of Whole30 when I get back from Texas! Only time will tell.

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Here We Go. Again.

Since doing the Whole30 this summer, I’ve been wanting to do it again. I mostly stuck to it in August, then we went to England, I ate all the things, and it’s been touch and go ever since.

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I tried several times to get back on track, but it just didn’t stick. Then, I decided to start the full Whole30 again after my weekend with Stevi. I knew I was going to be beering it up at Oktoberfest, and I wanted to enjoy all the foods with Stevi, so I waited. And that is pretty silly because there is no reason I couldn’t make healthy choices in the weeks between England and this past weekend, but for some reason, I just kept eating whatever all the time. SO MUCH CANDY. I sincerely wish they had a sugar rehab program or some sort of brain surgery that removed your ability to even see sugary things.

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I started Whole30 on Monday and I already feel so much better. I’ve been sleeping poorly this past month because I keep waking up with anxiety (about things that are not even worth it) and, unsurprisingly, it’s hard to sleep after eating a bunch of junk right before bed.

Anyway, day four and things are going well. I already feel mentally better because I don’t have to make any choices or try to eat things in moderation. I hate that I don’t have the ability to do anything in my life in moderation, but that’s just who I am I guess. I have to have a plan or I just can’t function. I wonder what it’s like to not think about food all day?

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I’m going to Orange Theory three or four times a week and starting to increase my running. It has been so hard. I start officially training for the marathon in January, so I am trying to build a good base, but UGH. I have not been running consistently for too long. The other night I ran two miles and it was such a struggle. Two miles! I was desperately gasping for breath the entire and at one point I thought I might puke. I can’t wait for it to get easier!

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All the TV

Most importantly, Luke’s Diners are popping up all across the country tomorrow!! Go get your free coffee!!!!

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This past week feels like a bit of blur because we had so much happening on campus. I manage a group of students who are ambassadors for our office, and we had an event for them on Wednesday night. On Thursday night I went to a reception for a faculty member, then to see Cornel West speak (he was excellent), then I left that early to go to a senior recital for one of the ambassadors. It was a busy night. On Friday night I was going to take a nap, but I remembered that the Amanda Knox documentary was out on Netflix, so I watched that instead.

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The case has always made me SO ANGRY because of the rampant sexism by the media and prosecutor. It’s so gross that they used her sex life to accuse her of murdering her roommate in some kind of sex game gone wrong.


I physically recoiled when they were asking her if she had ever participated in “experimental sex.” And the lead prosecutor Mignini hypothesizing that Meredith had confronted Amanda about her morals and that had led to her murder. It’s all so disturbing and gross. And yes, Amanda is awkward and does some weird things, but I see college students reacting oddly every day. It’s a weird time in life.

I did like that this documentary actually interviewed one of the most prominent reporters on this case (the unrepentant Nick Pisa) and the lead investigator. It was so disturbing to see the lenses that they viewed this woman through. God forbid a young woman have sex!

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Anyway, it was hard to watch because I wanted to kick my TV and I spent a lot of time yelling at people, but it was definitely interesting. I feel terrible for Meredith’s family and seeing all of this revisited must be a nightmare, especially since it has not truly been solved (I do believe it was Guede considering his prior history with break -ins).

I went to Orange Theory on Saturday morning and it was rough because I haven’t been super dedicated since returning from England.

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I spent the rest of the day being a proper adult and taking care of life business, then went to the university football game that evening. I sometimes feel guilty because I don’t care about any sports that require a ball (I had some bad experiences), but I went, enjoyed some wine, and clapped when everyone else did.

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I went back to Orange Theory on Sunday and it was especially rough since we used the TRX straps a lot. I am terrible at them! If an exercise requires more than one movement, then I can’t do it. I got my entire arm tangled on Sunday and the instructor had to come help me. WHY CAN’T I BE COORDINATED!!! I also was doing mountain climbers with my feet up on a bench and I guess I just climbed too hard because I knocked it over and fell. Good times.

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I relaxed on Sunday afternoon and watched some Gilmore Girls. I am SO HAPPY that Luke and Lorelei are reunited. I have no faith that it will last for long because Lorelei has the emotional maturity of a teenager, but my fingers are crossed!

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On Sunday night I attended a concert by our school of music, and it was AWESOME. I almost missed the whole thing because I thought it started at six instead of five, but I made it. The student on the left is one of our office assistants, and she is AWESOME. Her group is called “Chicks with Sticks” and they’re hoping for a world tour. MAKE IT HAPPEN.


Working in administration can be disappointing and depressing at times (because I mostly only deal with problems), so I love when I get to leave the office and see our students doing great things. It’s a nice reminder of why I’m here.

I finished up the weekend with Westworld and I liked it a lot. I’m excited to see which path the story takes.

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I would totally want to go to this if it were real, especially if there was a Medieval England one!

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Also, what is up with Ed Harris (the dude in all black) real or a host? Is he a long term game player? How rich is he! He seems like he’s just there long term doing his own thing, so is anyone monitoring him? Is there a tie between Ed in Black coming to the park for 30 years and the last major failure being 30 years ago. Does he spend the night or have to exit each evening?

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Is/Was Dolores a real person? That was her in the photograph right? I was thinking she was someone Ford loved and lost, or someone he was obsessed with and couldn’t have? I can’t wait to find out what the significance of her as the “first host” is.

SO MANY QUESTIONS. Someone needs to podcast this thing. I need help understanding.