Spiced Up

Since deciding to not run the Big Sur Marathon and starting my double job duties, I stopped working out and have been more focused on eating a lot of feelings and anxiety. It’s been a bread and beer bonanza.

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The  minute I feel overwhelmed and short on time I completely give up even trying to make healthy choices. And what’s crazy is that it takes more effort to stop and buy crap than it does to just eat what I already have at home. It is craziness I tell you, CRAZINESS! It also doesn’t help that a really nice grocery just opened up right by campus and they have so many wonderful fresh meals in their freezer section. They also have a beautiful salad bar and all kinds of healthy quinoa options, but I’ve been getting the lobster macaroni on the regular. It’s only $6 and tastes like HEAVEN. Someone told me there is no way it’s lobster in there for $6, but do you think I give a crap? It tastes great!

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That mystery ocean meat macaroni is my 8 pm joy. I’ve also been eating lots of bread and cheese and PLENTY of Reese’s. It’s probably a good thing that we are out of holiday candy season because I prefer the eggs, trees, or pumpkins, but I can make do with a traditional cup when I must. Obviously, none of this feeling eating is doing anything to help me mentally or physically. I wake up sluggish, puffy, inflammed, and just generally cranky. I’m hungry all the time (also, shout out to Prednisone for that). Things don’t fit well and I spend all day in a food hangover which only makes me want more food. The usual. So, I’ve been a real peach – tired, stressed out, and cracked out on snacks.

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Are there people who just eat mostly healthy all the time for years on end? I feel like every few months I’m having to get my shit together. WHY IS MACARONI AND CHEESE SO GOOD??? Also, why are my pants to tight suddenly? I don’t understand why I don’t want to eat healthy. It is completely logical. My arthritis does better, and it’s better for your body and well-being. My skin is better, I have less anxiety, and my cltohes fit. But, also, why does a whole lot of cheese taste so good? Riddle me that!! Why can’t I want a salad like I want goat cheese with jam on delightful little crostinis?? WHY.

I’ve also not been working out because it hasn’t been a priority. There’s not a good excuse, I’ve chosen sleep over exercise. I got my act together on Sunday and went to OTF again which was crazy hard, but I am glad I did it. I went again yesterday morning (I was too sore on Monday or Tuesday to do it), and I can barely manage to sit down because everything hurts so much, but I did it! If I can just get through the next few weeks trying to make mostly healthy choices and exercise, then I will be thrilled. Hoping to do another round of Whole30 when I get back from Texas! Only time will tell.

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Ugh.

I have been struggling to keep up with all of the things the past couple of weeks. I honestly don’t understand how people in relationships or with kids do it. I am so damn tired all the time and all I want to do when I get home is eat and enjoy an hour of TV (or reading) by myself. I have had to force myself to keep up with working out because I just don’t want to. My brain is tired after being at work for what feels like 100 hours a day and the thought of being outside with noises and people is just not on the list of things I want to do.  I want silence. And food.

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I had a really frustrating day on Tuesday and I HATED EVERYTHING. So, instead of going home, going for a run, and eating a healthy dinner while trying to chill the hell out, I got Pad Thai, then ate Reese’s. I felt awful afterwards. Mentally and physically. I feel like I’ve been doing so well with sticking to Whole30 outside of Saturday when I need non-Whole30 fuel on my long runs, but I just fell apart on Tuesday night. I get so mad at myself when I give in to emotional eating because it’s not logical. Pad Thai doesn’t fix anything. Reese’s don’t keep students safe from deportation. A beer won’t make Trump give a shit about the people he is banning from our country WITHOUT REASON. None of those things will help my clothes fit in the way I like them too (as in not digging into my body or looking tragically lumpy because they are ill fitting) Yet, there I was, Pad Thai, beer, and Reese’s wrappers.

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Nothing like a little eating pity party to really make you feel worse. After, I felt ill all night and couldn’t sleep, so I laid there reading and worrying about the new Republican healthcare plan and how it is going to harm the most vulnerable people in our country (those living below the poverty line and people over 60). So many people in my family, who also voted for Donald, are going to be the ones most terribly affected by this. And, while a large part or me wants to yell, “WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN??” I am terrified for them. At least all of those ailing healthcare CEOs will FINALLY get paid more.

Anyway, I got back on track yesterday, but I didn’t want to. I had to pay a $12 fee to Orange Theory because I skipped a class I had signed up for on Tuesday night which I was mad at myself about. I had a bad headache yesterday and was in a terrible mood all day. As I have said several times, I feel better on Whole30 and it helps me manage my emotional eating better than anything I’ve tried in the past. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO JUST EAT A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF HEALTHY FOOD EVERY DAY???

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I realize I have nothing to actually complain about and on the landscape of people who are actually overwhelmed and exhausted, I am on the low end, but ugh. The past six weeks have been a real bummer. I keep trying to distract myself from the endless bad news and fear that I feel, but IT IS NOT WORKING. I feel like I’m sandwiched between two mattresses of anxiety. That doesn’t make sense, but they WON’T GET OFF ME. It feels hard to breathe sometimes and I just want to hide in my apartment. So, I’ve been in a real funk lately and I hope moving helps me start to shake it as I will feel safer and have a much better place to do my running, so I might actually look forward to it again! Exercise always helps, but I prefer for it to happen without creeps passed out or almost passed in the bushes by the sidewalk. That’s a real bummer. 

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Don’t Get Murdered

Since my 13 mile run almost two weeks ago, I have been struggling. I took four days off running last week because I had such bad shin splints that I couldn’t even walk. Damn hills!

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I am of the school of not running when feeling wounded or injured, so I took those days off and did lots of icing and stretching. The best thing I’ve ever found to help is this paper cup ice massage method. It feels so good and I can easily do it throughout the work day as needed. Thankfully, I work with people who just accept whatever odd thing I’m doing without comment when they enter my office.

I am also trying to take better preventative care of my hamstrings. They’ve been giving me problems and pain for the past couple of years, so I’ve been working with my chiropractor on stretching and foam rolling effectively. MUST SURVIVE THIS THING.

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I ran once last week, then Lindsey came and we frolicked about until Sunday. I had a 12 mile long run I was supposed to do last weekend, but I only made it eight miles on Monday because the rain was so torrential that I couldn’t see at several points. Not a good time. I went to Orange Theory on Tuesday and ran five miles last night. I am so excited to move next month because I HATE running where I live. As I’ve said before, it’s so sketchy and there are too many dudes cruising around without purpose. It’s also nowhere near a residential area, so there are miles that just go by empty and dark business areas which feels super murdery. I have even skipped a couple of runs because I get this overwhelming bad feeling about going out. I am sure that it has NOTHING to do with listening to murder podcasts on my drive home, but I figure better safe on my couch than ladynapped. As the My Favorite Murder gals say:

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Doing my best. There’s also a situation with my apartment gym because there is this creepy dude who is ALWAYS in there. And he either just sits on one of the machines or very slowly peddles the bike while he stares at the women who are working out. I warned several younger women not to go in there as I was leaving because I don’t want them murdered. What is he doing??? I reported him to the apartment complex and they said he wasn’t hurting anyone, but I just want it known that they were warned if something does happen. I’m also going to note it in my Potential Observations of Crime and Creepiness Diary in the event that it happens to me. I’m going to leave the police all the clues! Anyway, that just makes me so deeply unsettled that I have stopped going when I see he’s in there. So that basically means I can’t go in there at all because the past four times I’ve tried to use the gym he was there.

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I also started back up on Whole30 on Monday and that has been fabulous. I had so many delicious things this past weekend, but I felt awful. Getting old sucks. All I ever want to do is eat the most unhealthy thing possible, but life won’t let me. I honestly think that I could easily gain 100 pounds in less than a year if I just ate what I actually wanted to eat all of the time. And I don’t mean that in a flippant way, but I honestly think I could really gain a lot of weight easily and that is terrifying (not because I would be physically larger, but because of the health toll it takes on your body). Healthy food NEVER appeals to me even though it can actually be delicious. Whole30 is really the only thing that keeps me making healthy choices and not living my life in a vat of macaroni and cheese. Even the shittiest macaroni is better than vegetables. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

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I keep thinking I’ll grow up one day and develop an adult palate and actually think quinoa is exciting, but one of my coworkers told me that he’s 55 and still spends most of his time thinking about when he can next eat some Oreos without his wife knowing. Soooooo, I guess that’s not going to happen. Anyway, Whole30 works for me because I am definitely an all or nothing person and moderation has no place in my life. It’s super annoying, but I guess I just need to accept this about myself. Here’s to healthy choices!

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Eating Olympics

I took a half day off on Friday because my college roomie, Maggie, and her family were back in town after a week in Tahoe. I met them downtown for lunch at Firestone Public House and we shared a magnificent pesto pizza (washed down with some beer of course).

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There is truly nothing better than a great slice of pizza and a cold beer. NOTHING.

We hung out at my apartment for a few hours so her girls could swim, then went to her husband’s uncle’s house where they were staying. He very generously decided to take us all out to dinner at his favorite sushi place, Silver Sake Sushi (now also my favorite sushi joint). Apparently it really is his favorite places because everyone in there hugged him and treated us like kings. He even has a roll named after him, and IT WAS AMAZING (the one in the middle with bacon in it). We sat down, a few of his friends joined us, and he just started ordering two or three plates of pretty much everything. I stopped trying to keep up after round eight.

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It was absolutely great food, but it took everything I had not to just lay down on the bench and give up on life. He also bought a couple of bottles of Black and Gold Sake and did not stop pouring. It was a struggle to even walk out of the place. Thankfully, none of the Sake drinkers had driven a car there.

We spent the rest of the evening half dead on his couches watching the Opening Ceremony. A+ to Tonga for knowing how to get the world’s attention.

I woke up Saturday, watched some Olympics (I was going to work out, but sake was still killing my brain), then went in to the office for the rest of the day. We are working on our accreditation report that is due in a few weeks so WOOOO FREAKING HOO so much fun.

I don’t know how this keeps happening, but this is the third university that I’ve been pulled in to manically work on a re-affirmation report right before its due. I’m not sure if I should be flattered or if my boss is punishing me for being a terrible person.

Thankfully, I had something to look forward to on Saturday because Heather and Eric were having us over for dinner. The entire way back from Sutter Creek a few weeks ago, Eric and Matt debated rib-cooking methods. We decided that the only way to figure out who was best was to make them prove it. So, on Saturday night they did and both were fantastic!

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I also got to bust out my California cheese board that Heather gave me for my birthday because it’s a crime to have a party without cheese.

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At some point we drank enough wine to get into a Harry Potter debate (as all adults do), and decided that Heather and Eric needed to get sorted ASAP. Tracy is a Ravenclaw, Matt a Gryffindor (ugh, the WORST), and Sari and I are both Slytherin. Eric took the quiz and learned he was a Gryffindor (Ugh), and then it was Heather’s turn. She got sorted into HUFFLEPUFF. I thought she was going to cry. I tried to reassure her that she’s an HPuff because she’s the only one of us who is a legitimately good and kind person, but she was quite upset.

Honestly though, Hufflepuffs are really the only genuinely good people. The rest of us are all ego and out for [different brands of] glory.

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J.K. really should write a book about the best way to help your friends accept their Hufflepuffness and have pride. Heather’s son was quite pleased to be sorted into Ravenclaw, and did his best not to shade his mom and her house.

I definitely got a gold medal in eating this weekend. Getting back on track on Sunday was DARK TIMES. I woke up that morning, forced myself to go work out, cleaned house, worked on the accreditation report, and watched the Olympics ALL DAY. It was pretty perfect. Women’s rugby is CRAZY and AMAZING. Those New Zealand women are pure badass. We looked straight up silly out there with them. Portia Woodman came to WIN THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

I honestly felt like I was going to vomit from anxiety watching the women’s cycling road race. They are going SO FAST and it looks so scary. I can’t believe Annemiek van Vlueten survived that crash. That was one of the worst thing’s I’ve ever seen, and I’m glad that is going to recover.

And I am so pumped for more women’t gymnastics.

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And if you’re not watching the Olympics with Leslie Jones on Snapchat (Lesdogggg) and Twitter, then what are you even doing? Her genuine bewilderment at so many aspects of sport are incredible (NSFW language). Why are the water polo guys wearing hats? Is fencing playing with swords until someone is stabbed? Why don’t men’s volleyball players have to wear “them little bitty panties”? Why are people running with the cyclists? Why would someone ride a bike for three hours?

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS! It’s the only time we com together to compete!!

A video posted by Leslie Jones (@lesdogggg) on

Pinky Promise

This month has been rough, and I am so glad it’s almost over. I made myself try to eat better and exercise this week and I was moderately successful. On Saturday, we had our 80 mile ride. Afterwards, I didn’t drink 4 beers and eat a loaf of sourdough as my heart wanted. Instead, I made some salmon cakes for dinner, then went to bed.

On Sunday, I didn’t eat all the things all the time because I was so freaking hungry. I had a shake and some over easy eggs for breakfast, turkey chili for lunch, an afternoon snack of fruit with some almonds, then I had the leftover salmon cakes for dinner. I really really really wanted brownies and spent about 8 hours fantasizing about them, but I kept myself busy by going to the pool to read and cleaning the house, so distraction worked for once.

On Monday, I brought my breakfast of eggs and turkey sausage, had turkey chili again for lunch, then baked some chicken legs with vegetables for dinner. I even ran three miles on the absolutely shitty treadmill at my apartment gym. It wobbled violently the entire time I was running and I really thought it was going to die on me. Then, instead of going home and eating Cheez-Its, I enjoyed some reading on the porch.

I got up and ran a few miles on Tuesday morning, and tried to do some push-ups. Then I remembered it was my birthday, and decided that if there was any day I could avoid using my arms for anything but cake eating, then that was the day. But, I still did something and that’s far more than I have been doing. I went to work and had some of that amazing chocolate Kahlua cake for breakfast. I also had some for afternoon snack, then had the burger and the beer. I ate all the things and I loved it.

On Wednesday, I did a workout video before work. It sucked and I felt like crap, but I had a delicious birthday, so whatever. We had our Team in Training send off party for Tahoe last night where we got all of our gear for the big race. It was so weird to see people in normal clothes and without a helmet. I honestly don’t think anyone recognized us.

After the meeting, Sari was supposed to take me to the airport, but my flight got cancelled, so we went to dinner at Selland’s and enjoyed some pizza instead. I woke up early this morning and I am now (God willing) on my way to Austin. I have zero plans to watch what I eat the next few days because I need barbecue, Shake Shack, and  Mexican food (with greasy cheese and queso poured over the top and NO FRESH VEGETABLES) ASAP.

Will start trying again next Tuesday.