I poured the tea in and left it open for two minutes while I ran to get sugar. When I came back, that bastard was floating in there. I wish I would have handled it in a more mature manner, but screaming at the top of my lungs was my natural reaction. Thankfully, everyone seemed to agree that it was an appropriate response as they were all equally horrified. RIP travel mug, we had a good run.

Last weekend, when Maggie was here, she asked me where I got a little thing of bells that hangs above my door. I replied that they were from India. She thought I said I had chlamydia. WTF? Why would I just randomly announce that??

That’s not really information you can just lightly drop into a casual conversation.

Game of Thrones doesn’t come on this weekend. WTF is that??? Instead, we get Behind the Candelabra. And as much as I am really looking forward to a few hours of gay men and sequins, I’m not happy about sacrificing this:

Why hello,  sexy new guy.

My apartment gym has three treadmills. I was running on one, another lady was walking on the other, and the third one is broken. A man came in and hopped on the broken one only to quickly discover that it didn’t work. He looked over at the other woman who was walking and said that since she wasn’t doing a “real workout” that she should let him use it.

She ripped him a new one in the terrifying way that only a five foot tall Latin woman can. I was a little bit scared for him. He got the hell out of there and she went right back to talking to me about this new flavor of Sun Chips she found.

Someone specifically requested that I be in a meeting yesterday and told his administrative assistant to send me the info. She did, but because she has a long-standing and barely concealed disdain for me, she told me the wrong time. Thankfully, she’s done this enough times that I always check to make sure I have the right information. So, I made it on time.

That was pretty much the highlight of my entire career.

I also lost it on a student worker. Not my proudest moment, but it had been building for so long. She says “pronunciate” and she says it a lot. I finally snapped.

When I told her it was either “pronounce”, “pronunciation,” or “enunciate,” she argued with me. Thankfully one of my co-workers has a Ph.D. in English and was there to back me up. WTF child, everything I say is right! Always.

We even planned ahead and ordered the biggest pizza option so we would have leftovers for after the bar. I’m not sure if we should be ashamed or proud.

Things started off a bit rocky early on Saturday morning thanks to the sweet sounds of J.Lo and loud traffic blaring into my bedroom. I completely forgot that the  Beach to Bay marathon finish line was right in front of my apartment. Guess the 547 port-a-potties they set up on Friday should have been a clue. Since traffic had been redirected around my apartment because of the race, we spent most of Saturday trapped at my apartment.

With the assistance of alcohol and Cheez-Its, we were able to enjoy the finish line entertainment from the comfort of my pool. There has never been a moment over the past five years that I have been sad to miss out on that race. It was about 100% humidity and 85 degrees by 9 am, that does not sound enjoyable in the least.

Watching people stagger in from that race has probably sealed my decision to not run another marathon. I have zero desire to do that again. Although, I actually decided to dedicate more effort to  running starting this week. I actually miss it. Also, running four miles a week just isn’t really cutting it in the managing stress and getting in shape departments. You win running, you win.

After recovering from the pool with a nap, we headed out for pizza and some nightlife.

It’s much easier to get a table if you eat at 4 and the bars are also much less crowded at 6:30 pm. We forced ourselves to stay out until it was at least dark, and we barely managed that.

Maggie was determined to have a drink by the water, so I took to Harrison’s Landing which is on a floating dock at the T-Heads downtown. It is really disorienting to drink there because the dock was constantly moving. It made me feel drunk even though I hadn’t finished my first drink. It wasn’t a good feeling. Shortly after sunset, we were back at my apartment and in bed with the pizza. That turned out to be an excellent decision after all.

I was so worn out from all that eating and not staying out late that I was barely able to stay awake for Game of Thrones on Sunday night. Digesting is exhausting.

Now back to the real world of more exercise and less pizza since I’d really like to be able to fit in at least one pair of my shorts when the weather hits 100.

Failing at dinner is never fun (and why didn’t he just pick the whole thing up with his fork and take a bite?).

2. Speaking of cats, 27 Cats Who Could Clearly Be Male Models.

Even if you think it’s dumb, it’s worth clicking on for all the shirtless dudes (FYI: there’s an exposed fanny if you are at work).

3.  Some genius made a business card that is also a cheese grater. Please let me meet you someday. Please. I could really use one of those in my life.

4. A man died after having sex with a hornet’s nest. I just don’t even know what to think about this.

5. I’m supposed to move to a new office area soon. Actually, I was supposed to move back in February, but since the furniture hasn’t even been ordered, I’m still weeks and weeks from that happening. Anyway, people keeping popping in and asking me when I’m moving, why I haven’t moved, and what I’m still doing up here. It’s really starting to hurt my feelings. Why do they want me to leave? I’m so cool.

6. I cannot get this song out of my head. I don’t know what that says about me, but I can’t quit singing it.

7. 21 Most Swoonworthy Moments of Prince Harry’s Visit to America

He sure wears the hell out of a white button up.

8. And with that, I’m out.

Fiction:

Life After Life by Kate Atkinson

I could not stop reading this novel; it consumed me for an entire weekend. I made the stupid mistake of not reading anything about it before I picked it up (a friend recommended it and I just bought it and started reading), so I was very confused for probably the first 30 or 40 pages. Once I realized what was happening, I was hooked.

On a cold and snowy night in 1910, Ursula Todd is born to an English banker and his wife. She dies before she can draw her first breath. On that same cold and snowy night, Ursula Todd is born, lets out a lusty wail, and embarks upon a life that will be, to say the least, unusual. For as she grows, she also dies, repeatedly, in a variety of ways, while the young century marches on towards its second cataclysmic world war.

Does Ursula’s apparently infinite number of lives give her the power to save the world from its inevitable destiny? And if she can — will she?

The concept of multiple lives and that the feeling of Déjà Vu is actually the memory from some mistake or decision you’ve made in the past is an idea that I think is intriguing for most people. I constantly felt panic and anguish while watching her repeat errors of the past or narrowly miss death. Again. It was a haunting reminder that there really is a “a fine line between living and dying.” The fantastic development of the characters and the vivid imagery of her world gave me that incredible feeling of missing somebody and something when it was over. I’m pretty sure I was depressed for a solid two weeks when it was all said and done.

The Sandcastle Girls by Chris Bohjalian

I really wanted to like this book, but I just never really got into it. The alternating narrators and time periods just didn’t work for me at all. The narrating characters changed within paragraphs and I spent way too much time just trying to figure out what year I was in. I also never really felt like there was an actual building of feelings between the two main characters. This book pretty much had all of the things in it that make me hate fiction. The only decent thing to come out of this novel was that I did not know anything about the Armenian Genocide and I ended up reading The Burning Tigris, which was an excellent.

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

Libby Day was seven when her mother and two sisters were murdered in “The Satan Sacrifice of Kinnakee, Kansas.” As her family lay dying, little Libby fled their tiny farmhouse into the freezing January snow. She lost some fingers and toes, but she survived–and famously testified that her fifteen-year-old brother, Ben, was the killer. Twenty-five years later, Ben sits in prison, and troubled Libby lives off the dregs of a trust created by well-wishers who’ve long forgotten her.

After reading Gone Girl, I picked this one up hoping for some of the same twists, turns, and truly awful people. I was not disappointed. I’m not sure if I liked this book because it was quite disturbing and all of the characters were about as despicable as they could be. It definitely kept me me interested, but I was so glad when it was all said and done.

Nonfiction:

Bunker Hill:  A City, a Siege, a Revolution by Nathaniel Philbrick

Unsurprisingly, it’s a historical account of the Battle of Bunker Hill (which I once got confused with the Battle of the Bulge in fifth grade and cried in public). I prefer to read historical narratives that are focused on singular events or very short periods of time because I feel like I don’t get so overwhelmed with ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING. It’s much easier for me to focus my ADHD when all 400 pages are dedicated to one thing. I think this story is well worth your time and I learned quite a bit from it.

Eiffel’s Tower: And the World’s Fair Where Buffalo Bill Beguiled Paris, the Artists Quarreled, and Thomas Edison Became a Count by Jill Jonnes

I was looking for something that would do for the Paris World’s Fair what Devil in the White City did for Chicago’s, but that was probably unfair. Maybe if I had gone in with lower expectations then I would have enjoyed it more, but the unnecessary length of the subtitle should have been a clue. The entire thing was kind of jarring. The author bounced around subjects frequently without any sort of meaningful transition as to why we were suddenly talking about Annie Oakley. There was plenty of interesting information, but I was just too frustrated with the writing to ever enjoy it.

Have you read anything fantastic lately? Preferably of the historical variety…

Blitz Diary: Life Under Fire in World War II by Carol Harris

After reading Life After Life, I really wanted more information on life in London during the Blitz (since Ursula spends several lives in the midst of that misery). This book completely satisfied that desire. The devastation was far more widespread than I ever realized. I cannot imagine how anyone survived that and how people today still manage to go on with their lives while living in war zones.

The end of the semester means happy times for me because I get to park way closer and the pizza isn’t always sold out in the University Center. I can cope with crazies much more easily when I’m hopped up on a couple slices of thin crust triple cheese.

I was watching the last Fast and the Furious (Fast and Furious? The Fast and Furious 5? I don’t remember what they called it) and I got really confused because didn’t Han die in Tokyo Drift? WTF?  Don’t judge, I really need to understand what’s going on here.

WTF is this new movie Gravity?? I almost had a panic attack when it previewed before Gatsby. Seriously terrifying.

Game of Thrones is really worrying me. There are just too many happy cute things and there’s no way they can last. I’m really worried about Ygritte and Jon Snow.

That scene reminds me so much of my first few months in college. Leaving the village can be hard.

And I can’t even talk about that business with Brienne. I was screaming and jumping up and down in terror. And WTF is the deal with all this male virgins being rockstars in the sack? I mean yeah he “did stuff with his tongue,” but these people don’t shower!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, when compared what the virginal Joffrey does to the ladies, I guess Jon Snow must look pretty good considering Ygritte made it out of there alive.

And Daenerys, WTF is taking so long??? She’s like the slowest conqueror ever.

We also found out this week that instead of the legislature possibly actually increasing our funding a little bit this year, they are going to take hundreds of millions of dollars back instead. The thing that made me saddest after that terrible news was that I said “Winter is coming” and nobody got the reference. It’s lonely out here on Cool Person Island.

I’m so depressed.

The movie was kind of like drowning in glitter. It’s pretty at first, but then it just hurts. At least the music was great.

Other than that, things were pretty uneventful around here. On Saturday, I went to the pool and managed to get through about 1/8 of Clash of Kings. Considering that book has over 1,000 pages and my lily white skin hasn’t seen the sun in many moons, I was pretty pleased with my progress. I was only able to survive in the actual sun for about 15 minutes before I got scared and dragged my chair into the shade. I’m just impressed I actually went outside for more than 10 minutes (since I usually prefer to hibernate in my dark and cold apartment).

The high point of my weekend came when I discovered that my TiVo had randomly decided to record “Death Becomes Her” for me. I’ve never in my entire life been so pleased with disobedience. I LOVE that movie. Also, this scene really hit too close to home:

I think I’ve been scared out of my frosting eating ways (for the record, I use a utensil and I own napkins).

I wanted to go to the pool again on Sunday (be outside and talk to strangers two days in a row!!), but it was raining (thank you Jesus for the precious precipitation). So, I was trapped inside with the furry beasts, one of whom cannot go to the bathroom when it’s raining because her delicate little paws cannot touch wetness.

That always makes for a good time. In further animal news, we had a big development on Sunday:

They are sharing a piece of furniture. Unbelievable. Scout is still being a rude ass and she is mainly expressing that by waking me up whenever she feels like it (for the record, it was about 6 am, my apartment faces the rising sun so please don’t let the large amount of light fool you. I don’t want to wake up at 6 am).

I had to move Bardot to her bed in the living room last night because she was snoring so loudly. I thought there was a monster napping under my bed. Normally, I can just give her a little shove and it stops, but last night she was sawing down an entire forest.

Despite all of those super exciting things, I did manage to exercise this weekend. On Saturday, I went back to Barre Class at my Pilates studio. I wasn’t really interested in doing that again, but the only Pilates class was at 8 am and since I have no reason to be awake at 8 am on a Saturday, I was happy to attend something a little bit later in the day. I’m still pretty terrible at it, but at least this time there were at least three of us who didn’t have ballerina bodies. I sometimes feel like a Sasquatch there because everyone is about five feet tall and 90 pounds on a fat day.

On Sunday, I completed a slow three miler and hit the weight room. That’s pretty much it.

Followed shortly by this:

And now, we have this:

Hot Leo is back y’all!!

The first half of his 30s were a little rocky, but I’m glad we pulled through that.

If only I could erase this from my memory:

2.  Ana made my day by sending me this: 9 Ways to Know You’re a French Bulldog Owner

“You’ve done more dietary research for your dog than yourself.”

“Frenchie’s can have fickle digestive systems. So do humans, but a lot of times it doesn’t stop us from having a three way with gluten and dairy multiple times a day. In the case of our pig dogs, however, we will SCOUR the internet for ways to help their itching or alleviate their mega farts.” For real. Maybe that’s why I haven’t lost weight? I spend all my time trying to figure out what allergen is causing Bardot to have such red and oozie eyes.

As a Boston Terrier owner, Ana and I had healthy gripe session over this: You get pissed when people mistake your Frenchie for a Pug or Boston Terrier.

“What are you, a fucking dog racist? Get your shit together. Ok, so maybe there are SOME similarities… They’re all small, short snouted and big eared. However, there are some very distinct features that separate the three. And even then, some people feel the need to insist that your dog MUST not be 100% or must have A LITTLE Boston in there. Ya know what? Some Frenchies are a little bit leaner! Some Bostons are stockier! STOP IMPOSING YOUR BODY IMAGE ISSUES ON MY DOG.”

I don’t understand how people can argue with me about the breed of MY own dog. Believe me, that fat little bat-eared bitch is not a Boston.

3. Speaking of that fat grump, someone has finally realized we have a cat among us. She’s super pumped. There hasn’t been a single instance of hate peeing or purposive ignoring.

4. A 105-year-old woman cites eating bacon daily as her fountain of youth. Girl is living life right. She lives right in the epicenter of where 90% of my family is based, so based on her dietary preferences, I’m pretty sure we share some genetics since I’ve had bacon with my dinner every night this week (bacon makes all vegetables so much more edible and the fact that I’m even eating anything that is green is all that matters at this point).

5.  After a VERY VERY long and cruel wait, I finally have my long-awaited date with Leo tomorrow.

6. It’s officially hot and sticky again, so I’m back to running on the treadmill. It’s not ideal, but running is the only form of exercise that makes my desire to shank strangers dissipate. So, for the good of mankind, I will trudge on. I just need to focus on my attitude and channel this guy:

That is seriously so impressive. There are days were walking at 2.0 without falling off is a struggle.

7. As I was running on said machine last night, I watched Friday Night Lights on my iPad. There is just something that doesn’t make sense to me and it’s taken me years to put it together. How does Tim Riggins drink so much beer and keep that bod? HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. I finally agree with Gwyneth Paltrow on something: places that are boiling hot and crowded (i.e. too many peasants) are “un-fun.” Amen sister, amen. Poor woman was trapped in a room with a Kardashian that appeared to be without hands. AND IT WAS HOT! I can’t even eat at my favorite brunch spot anymore because it’s always so freaking hot and stuffy in there. First world problems can be a real pain sometimes.

9. Brazil has a “Mr. Balls” mascot to help remind men to get tested for testicular cancer. I’ll let you go there and explore that one yourself.

10. Man, I love Pete Campbell. He always delivers.

11. Fred Astaire was born on this day in 1899. God, he was fabulous.

Why does dancing gotta be so damn hard?

12. A new running song:

That reminds me, I still need to see Iron Man 3! I need more RDJ in my life.

13. It was raining when I left work yesterday and I got soaked because I had no idea it was going to happen. I mean it was cloudy all day and the weather guy said it would rain, but the reality is that normally I would have a better chance of waking up tomorrow in a bathtub full of diamonds on a yacht in the Mediterranean than walking out into actual rain in Texas. Needless to say, unlike JLo’s boy toy, I don’t have personal umprella holders (HOW IS THAT PLURAL!!! What a little punk).

What is this world we are living in?

14. 26 Most Annoying Things About Working in an Office

Smug, annoying healthy people.

This is a particularly sore spot for a struggling wannabe healthy person. Eat what you want, but I certainly don’t need to hear you preach about it or comment on what I am eating. This is especially true when they bring me the leftover muffins because they don’t eat “processed junk” and I OBVIOUSLY do. I hate you and I hope your tempeh is moldy and you wasted $9 on a slab of fungi infected soybean product.

15.  I very strongly agree with what Elizabeth Smart is saying about abstinence-only sex education and its impact on survivors of sexual assault.

Anyway, work is normally a blessing because I hide in my office and only have access to the healthy snacks I prepared at home. Unfortunately, I spent yesterday in meetings. One after another. A true nightmare. I talked to people all day and it was AWFUL. On top of required social interaction, each meeting had large trays of cookies, muffins, and brownies. Said trays are now sitting in our break room and will remain there for the next few days.

The crappy thing is that I wasn’t even hungry yesterday, but the minute that sweet, carby aroma hit my nostrils I feel overcome with hunger pangs so strong I felt like I would die without a cookie. I don’t know how, but I somehow managed to not eat a single one of them. While some people could probably eat one and call it good, the minute that sugar hit my bloodstream I’d have been committed to eating them all day. On the bright side, I did get the right salad at lunch because they printed our choice on the backside of our name tag and you had to show it to get your meal. Simply brilliant. So, in conclusion, one small step towards my pants fitting and one giant leap in exercising self-control.