Category Archives: Amazing Feats

Vodka is a Hobby

My former roommate and running buddy, Caroline, is getting hitched in a few short weeks. To celebrate this momentous occasion, we had her bachelorette party in Port Aransas this past weekend. On Friday night,we started things off right with dinner at the Port Aransas Brewing Company.

Just in case you weren’t sure what cold beer and piping hot, cheesy pizza looked like.

After properly fueling, we hit a bar that had two other people in it. Both over 60.

But, that was fine, because we were pretty exhausted from the drive and couldn’t be bothered to change clothes or fix our hair. So, pretty normal night. Thankfully, we didn’t stay out too late and managed to get plenty of sleep in preparation for the drinking juggernaut that was Saturday.

We got the day started with some breakfast and the beach (PS: Thanks for leaving me that rum, Maggie. Life changed.).

Had to go with Sprite Zero since I am obviously very concerned about calorie intake. We weren’t at the beach too long because it was terribly windy and the waves kept trying to drown us. Luckily, we still managed to all get nicely seared on our backsides. Nothing like a healthy layer of skin cancer to get the weekend started. I think I’m going to start wearing a burqa when I go outside because I can’t reapply sunscreen enough to keep my flesh from burning.

After the beach, we napped. Day drinking + napping = insurmountable lethargy. It took us a very long time to get moving again. After much dragging about, we finally made it to dinner around 9 pm.

I’m relatively sure I had fried shrimp and I believe they were tasty.   We were advised the previous night to head to Bernie’s Beach House if we wanted to have a good time, so it was really convenient to find that it was right across the street from the restaurant.

It was madness. I cannot imagine what it’s like during the summer since it was so cram-packed during the off-season. Despite the unrelenting sweat and humanity, we had the best time. Even me, Grumpy McHatespeopleson

The best part were the random fog machines that would blast out air with such force that it almost knocked us over. The more we drank, the less able we were to prepare for them. The aftermath:

Then we made terrible faces and drank tiny vials of liquor:

So pretty.

I’m pretty sure Caroline had a great time, although I’m not sure she remembers it.

That guy was way too willing to strip for her. It’s not really a bachelorette party without some bare flesh I suppose. We also found Cornholio.

He knows what women want. Then there was this gentleman who had some super sassy dance moves.

He worked it hard. All night. I’m gonna have to add that move to the repertoire.

We lost Laura for a while, but that’s not really surprising.

Bye, friend. After a long search, we eventually found her. Had to keep an eye on her after that.

We stayed until close and crashed into our beds sometime around 3 am. I’m sunburned, exhausted, there’s sand in everything I own, I’m hoarse from screaming along to “Wrecking Ball” in the bar, and I’m pretty sure there is still vodka coursing through my veins, but it was a blast.

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Gone to Gruene

This weekend was a whirlwind. I don’t even know where it went. On Friday, I moved into the new apartment that I will be sharing with my sister. Since she and her boyfriend were both commuting well over an hour in opposite directions, they decided to live apart and live closer to their jobs. So, that works out really nicely for me. And Bardot. Since my sister’s gigantic poodle is living with us two, Bardot now has access to his gigantic beds.

The large bed makes her feel so small and dainty. We moved stuff in Friday night and spent most of Saturday moving her out of her apartment. She said she didn’t have very much stuff, that was not accurate. It’s still far less than I have, so moving my stuff this Saturday will not be a good time. I’ll be so happy when it’s all done and Bardot and I aren’t living la vida air mattress.

Walking on that thing really trips her out.

On Saturday night, Sari and I headed south to Gruene for a wedding shower for my old roomie Caroline and her future husband. It is so nice to be able to go to these kinds of things now without requiring a 4 hour drive.

We had a delicious dinner at the Gruene River Grill before heading out on the town.

There was some artistic interpretive dancing (that seemed to be inspired by this).

And a man with a lot of curls.

It was really fun, but I made the terrible terrible mistake of not drinking a drop of water from 4 pm onward. Not good. Sunday was not a happy time. I haven’t felt that terrible in years and years. I took advantage of my new life in Austin and ordered some Jimmy John’s and took a long nap. I didn’t feel much better, but I had to start unpacking. Truthfully, I just wanted to find the cords for the TV so I could at least watch a movie while I moped around in my self-made misery. Thankfully, that happened just in time for a second nap.

Wasted that day like a champ. In good news, I now get 1.5 extra hours of sleep in the morning now that I am no longer driving from my parent’s house. That will give me joy for weeks and weeks.

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What Just Happened Here?

My hair dryer decided to start smoking instead of drying yesterday, so after work I headed to Walmart to get a new one. Everything was going just fine until I had to checkout in one of the three lines with 49 people in them. I had nowhere to be (as usual), so I stood there patiently waiting my turn. Getting trapped in that line gave me many many minutes to listen to the man behind me. At some point he decided to move from being an asshole about his waitress at lunch to ranting about how “disgustingly fat” Kim Kardashian has become and how she should kill herself so we don’t have to see it.

I’m not a confrontational person at all, and getting into a fight in Walmart is certainly not something I want to get arrested for. So, I just kept looking forward and tried to ignore him. Unfortunately, that became impossible as he continued to rant loudly about how “gross and obese” she was. I finally turned and politely told him that another person’s weight is not his business and that I didn’t appreciate his comments.

He told me that it was his business because he had to look at her and it was offensive. I responded that maybe he should put more effort into averting his eyes if it was so problematic. He then hypothesized that only “fat girls” would be offended by what he said and he hoped that they would be so offended that they would “take the hint and buy a treadmill.” Then he stared at me.

He also added “that princess in England isn’t getting fat, so maybe Kim should take some notes from her.” I lost it. LEAVE KIM ALONE. Who cares how much weight she gains as long as she and her baby are healthy. I was so angry for her. How as a society have we come to a place where a woman’s cellulite and weight is front-page news? As we continued to stare hatefully at each other (and oh how I wish I could have been snacking on something super fatty right at that moment), I heard a loud voice come from behind him.

A little tiny lady behind him just started going off on him. It was amazing. She even poked him in the gut a few times. I need her to teach me some lessons about channeling anger into something useful. He eventually stormed off and out of the store as she yelled for the manager because there was “an asshole on the loose.” God I can’t wait to be old so I can get away with that kind of stuff.

While what that man said is not shocking (sadly), I was surprised to find myself so vehemently defending Kim Kardashian. I can’t stand her. I wanted to vote her and Kanye off the planet, but now I feel horrible for her. Even though I think her clothes are awful because they would be awful on any body at any weight (what are these pants!), I genuinely feel for her. So, to you Kim Kardashian, we played. You are an evil genius and you’ve tricked me into feeling pity for you. 

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French Fries and Falling

I didn’t have wheat or candyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Woo hoo.  It wasn’t easy, and I almost had a breakdown on Saturday afternoon because I really really wanted a sandwich on fluffy sourdough and some Reese’s, but I managed to talk myself down from the ledge.

I ran four miles on the treadmill Friday and I survived Pilates on Saturday morning. Big time exercising right there. I’ve graduated to group classes (just two other people and the instructor) and we got our asses handed to us by an 80 pound ex-ballerina. I also had my first pilates disaster. We were doing a plank like this:

And we were supposed to slide our arms a little doing tiny pulses with the sled thing. Obviously, just maintaining a plank position is difficult enough and she said that if we felt unstable to just focus on maintaining the plank. But everyone else was doing the little slides, so I did too. And I crumbled like Lindsay Lohan in liquor store.

So that was both embarrassing and painful. The other girls managed to laugh while maintaining their plank positions, they must have fantastic core strength. After Pilates, I showered and spent the rest of the afternoon napping and reading. I did not fall off the couch.  My neighbor friends managed to pry me out of my hermitage with the promise of grilled steak and the first five episodes of Vikings. Oh my gawd. Why did I wait so long to watch that show!!

Whoa buddy. I think I sat with my mouth hanging open for five straight hours.

Seriously, get on that show right now.

On Sunday, my sweet friend invited me to go a baseball game with her and her daughter. Unfortunately, said child was not that into it.

I swear, she was really happy to see me.

And because we were at Whataburger field, we had to get some. Since I’m supposed to be avoiding wheat, I opted for a bag of hot and delicious fries in lieu of a burger.

So good. Whoever created french fries was a true genius. It was a fabulous day filled with fried goodness and guys in baseball pants.

Also, Reasons My Son is Crying is the best birth control I’ve ever seen.

“I wouldn’t let him drown in this pond.”

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