I Will Survive

Four Christmas parties down, two to go. I’m gonna make it. Since I’ve become such a pro at social functions, I wanted to share with you some lessons I’ve learned over the past week.

1. Dress nicely, you will feel a lot better about yourself.

2.  Try to limit the number of parties that involve co-workers or attractive single men.

3.  Eat a meal before you go. This is important in case you end up at a party where the host wrongly believes that two plates of vegetables are adequate for snacking (PS: Your mother raised you wrong.). Otherwise, you might get caught desperately eating a granola bar out of your purse.

4. If you need a little alcohol in order to function like a semi-normal person in public, make sure the party isn’t hosted by people who don’t drink. So drink a little before you go (and don’t drive you fool – see #11) or you might end up hating everyone.

5. Although some vodka helps, a lot of vodka doesn’t. Know your limit and go ahead and decrease that limit by about 80% at most work events.

6. Don’t let other people fetch/make a mixed drink for you because they likely ignored all the instructions you gave them and made it totally wrong.

7. Never get trapped in a one-on-one conversation. If at least two other people are involved, it’s much easier to slip away without looking like an asshole when things get boring.

8. Sitting alone and enjoying your gingerbread flavored martini is perfectly acceptable. You don’t need to justify it to anyone.

9. When people ask where your date is, just tell them he was recently incarcerated and the wedding has been pushed back to May 2035. Hopefully, they will feel uncomfortable enough to just walk away.

10. If you go with someone as their plus one, make sure y’all are on the same page about how long the actual party time commitment is. Otherwise, you might have an awkward mini-fight with a man you are not even dating.

11. Always take a cab. For one, you don’t want to end up incarcerated alongside your felonious fiance. Secondly, you can pretend that you’re super fabulous Mariah Carey and the cab driver is your chauffeur. Only peasants touch steering wheels.

12. Finally, if you are trapped, just go hide. Preferably outside as people rarely remember to search behind the giant potted plants on a patio.The front yard is good too.

Good luck!

29 Comments

Filed under Christmas

29 Responses to I Will Survive

  1. Lauren

    Is Brody going to be Carrie’s date to the CIA Christmas party? Awkward.

  2. Lex

    LOVE your GIF’s sooooo stinking funny

  3. Michelle

    #10 is really important and led to a terrible fight between me and a friend who I was a friend date to a wedding with. He informed me at the end of the night that we had to get a hotel room because he didn’t feel like driving back! At one point we were fighting in his car and he was yelling “THIS IS WHY I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!”. Whoops.

    • Reese's Runner

      Ahahahaahah sounds like my Saturday night. I wasn’t aware that we were staying for five hours and he was planning to get hammered out of his mind. KILL ME. He said we were going to “pop in” then I could go back home to my TV. LIES. We had our fight in the kitchen and he said the same thing. Sir, you don’t have a girlfriend because you are a jackass.

  4. This is the best holiday tip post.. EVER. Love #2

  5. Oh yea, awesome tips! #8 for sure, I am 100% comfortable chugging or sipping some wine solo. Many people are not. I view it as an accomplishment to be okay rolling solo!

  6. Justin

    I had no clue I was in jail….. you could of just said your bf works in nyc and has a lot of frequent flyer miles. Thanks speedy.

  7. Miriam

    hahaha that’s good advices! Got to remember those. Especially the #7 about no one on one conversation!

    You should add : not getting involve talking about subject like politics, religion or other similar conversation traps. Avoid, ignore, go pour yourself another drink. Keep the small talk going. ;)

  8. I find it’s fun to return absurdity with absurdity. if they are telling you something you can’t care about, turn it around. Related, I like to turn every conversation into Ironman since it’s both impressive and nobody else cares. it can make people leave you alone.

  9. Okay, I may have to print this out and keep it for future reference. I don’t have any non-family Christmas parties to attend this year, but I’ll need this advice someday in the future, I’m sure.

  10. Jenny

    Nine Signs That You Might Be an Introvert
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sophia-dembling/nine-signs-that-you-might_b_2251932.htm

    That about says it all for me. I’ve been known to hide in the bathroom and I often want to leave as soon as I get to a party.

    • Reese's Runner

      That is amazing. I’ve never seen it so perfectly summed up than “low drive to participate in social situations.” That is exactly it. I can be social, I just don’t want. And sitting at home alone IS DOING SOMETHING. God, I want to hand this to everyone I know. I did do something this weekend, it just mostly happened inside my brain. Also, I’ve never realized why I hate the phone so much until I read that. So perfect. This made my day!

    • Wow, I LOVE that article! That describes me perfectly. I really like how it said some people confuse being introverted with being shy–no one would ever describe me as shy, but I am definitely an introvert. Thanks for sharing :-)

  11. This is really awesome. Thank you for this!

  12. Sonja

    Beale Street… really?

  13. HAHA #4 is my entire Christmas time at my husbands parents house. They are southern baptists and believe that drinking is the devil which means that I have to take shots before every single family function in secret. Last year I hid a few bottles of rum in our room and I don’t think I was sober the whole 4 days we were there. True Story.

    • Reese's Runner

      Sounds like our parents attended the same church. I’m not brave enough to secretly drink though, my mom can feel it when I drink I swear.

      • LOL Chads mother is at least oblivious. She acts like an alcholic every moment of the day anyways always being goofy and crazy so when we start acting the same way she just gets happy we are having fun with her. She like the happy drunk person that tells you how pretty you are and wants to gossip about every one in town but sober. haha

  14. i’m not sure if you have ever read mindy kaling’s “is everyone hanging out without me (and other concerns)” but she has a whole little chapter about irish exits that i thought of when i read this… she says: “my version of an irish exit has an air of deception to it, because it includes my asking loudly, ‘where’s the bathroom?’ and making theatrical looking-around gestures like a lost foreign tourist. but then, instead of finding the bathroom, i sneakily grab my coat and leave.” somehow i thought that was fitting to share. :)

    • Laura WL

      Oh man. I didn’t know they were called Irish Exits?! That is awesome. I didn’t realize it was a thing til college and I met this guy who would do that all the time, just leave w/o saying goodbye, and I remember thinking. “That is awesome! I am going to start doing that!” And now I do it all the time. The only time I don’t is when its a big family function and I only see the people once a year so I feel obligated to talk to them, even if its only a hug hello and a short goodbye conversation.

  15. Laura WL

    Also, is the no drinking at parties a southern thing? Because in the Portland, Ore. we don’t do parties like that… My parents don’t drink but you better believe we bring wine for holiday shindigs at their house. Portland is in the middle of wine country and has the largest number of breweries per capita, so that may have something to do with it. Also, it is grey and cloudy 300 days out of the year here. So coffee for an upper and then beer for a downer… Makes perfect sense to me…

    • Reese's Runner

      Some Southern Baptists don’t drink (the problem with my family) and Mormons and Muslims don’t typically drink. So the moral of the story is don’t make friends with religious people (unless they are Jewish because their food is AMAZING and they always have classy wine).

  16. Jessica

    GIF #4- I hope you watch that show. Hyacinth is an icon.

    • Reese's Runner

      OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You watched “Keeping Up Appearances”!!! My dorm roommate got the boxed set for Christmas and we watched it every night for months! Clearly, we were super cool. It’s Bouquet! B-U-C-K-E-T! Also, it’s on Netflix streaming!

  17. Jessica

    I watch the reruns on PBS. Any episode involving the Major is golden, but the one when he chases her in the greenhouse might be my favorite.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>