Four Christmas parties down, two to go. I’m gonna make it. Since I’ve become such a pro at social functions, I wanted to share with you some lessons I’ve learned over the past week.
1. Dress nicely, you will feel a lot better about yourself.
2. Try to limit the number of parties that involve co-workers or attractive single men.
3. Eat a meal before you go. This is important in case you end up at a party where the host wrongly believes that two plates of vegetables are adequate for snacking (PS: Your mother raised you wrong.). Otherwise, you might get caught desperately eating a granola bar out of your purse.
4. If you need a little alcohol in order to function like a semi-normal person in public, make sure the party isn’t hosted by people who don’t drink. So drink a little before you go (and don’t drive you fool – see #11) or you might end up hating everyone.
5. Although some vodka helps, a lot of vodka doesn’t. Know your limit and go ahead and decrease that limit by about 80% at most work events.
6. Don’t let other people fetch/make a mixed drink for you because they likely ignored all the instructions you gave them and made it totally wrong.
7. Never get trapped in a one-on-one conversation. If at least two other people are involved, it’s much easier to slip away without looking like an asshole when things get boring.
8. Sitting alone and enjoying your gingerbread flavored martini is perfectly acceptable. You don’t need to justify it to anyone.
9. When people ask where your date is, just tell them he was recently incarcerated and the wedding has been pushed back to May 2035. Hopefully, they will feel uncomfortable enough to just walk away.
10. If you go with someone as their plus one, make sure y’all are on the same page about how long the actual party time commitment is. Otherwise, you might have an awkward mini-fight with a man you are not even dating.
11. Always take a cab. For one, you don’t want to end up incarcerated alongside your felonious fiance. Secondly, you can pretend that you’re super fabulous Mariah Carey and the cab driver is your chauffeur. Only peasants touch steering wheels.
12. Finally, if you are trapped, just go hide. Preferably outside as people rarely remember to search behind the giant potted plants on a patio.The front yard is good too.