WTF Wednesday

Neiman Marcus will not quit catalog bombing me.  I keep getting passive aggressive notes from the mailman about emptying my mailbox more frequently. I check it ever other day. The thing is, based on my SES, Neiman’s should know better than to target me. I purchased one thing from them in 2006. I tried to buy makeup, but had to borrow cash from my best friend because I’m such a backwoods peasant that I didn’t even know that they don’t accept Visa. Now I know that Visa is for poor people and that poor people are gross and should not be allowed in stores. Saleslady was not amused when apologized for my poverty.

Gerard Butler. WTF is going on? He’s gross. I think I used to find him attractive, but now I just cringe at him. Didn’t he used to be kind of hot and not such a disgusting person? Was I just blinded by the abs and the fact that portraying a beefy Spartan would make any man hot to some degree?

These do not taste as good as they appear to. I bought a bag of them thinking I would be healthy and eat turkey burgers instead of a big, thick, and juicy beef burgers. WRONG. I prepared them three different ways and could not even choke a bite down. Awful. Back to beef for me.

Apparently Matthew Crawley might not be returning for the next season of Downton Abbey. WTF is this world we are living in???? Duchess Kate has the pukes, Daryl’s life is in peril, and no more cousin Matthew??? It’s so unfair.

(source)

I’m already so annoyed by the holidays. I know, I’m awful. I’m really just super pissy because I was going to decorate this weekend in an attempt to get some damn Christmas cheer in my life (because candy canes and twinkly lights bring me unmitigated joy), but the boxes with my decorations are at the very bottom of a very full storage closet. I opened the door, located the impossibly buried red plastic bins, and slammed it while cursing loudly. Hope my neighbors weren’t out enjoying a nice day on their porches.  I feel like people only operate in two modes during the holidays. This:

Or this:

(source)

Everyone, just please calm down and relax. Besides, if the world does end, all the Christmas crazy was for nothing. Hanukkah craziness is merited. I really want to be happy and cheerful, but I just cannot make myself get jazzed about peppermint mochas and jingle bells. Maybe because it’s 80 degrees or because I haven’t seen any advertisements for the 12 Days of Whataburger. This could make for a very grim December.

61 Comments

Filed under WTF Wednesday

61 Responses to WTF Wednesday

  1. Justin

    I like how you found a gif of me…in cat form. I’ve been super fun about Christmas. My excitement is oozing from every crevice. We are that inconsolablecouple that hates other people for being happy. Yay. We’re officially old grumpy heads. all i need is a broom to yell at all the hooligan’s walking on my side walk. GET OFF MY CONCRETE! Good way to get mugged in nyc.

  2. The turkey burgers from Costco are good.
    And what is with sending catalogs after I buy something from the website. DUH! Obviously I know how to shop on the internet. I don’t need your dumb catalog. I am talking to you, LL BEAN!
    The Kidless Kronicles

  3. Melissa

    I am definitely the Grumpy Cat this Christmas. Gift buying totally stresses me out because I have no money, but don’t want people to think I’m cheap. So I spend way more money than I should, all the while getting stomach aches each morning I check my account balance. That’s why Thanksgiving is better…

  4. wait… neaman marcus doesn’t accept visa? are you serious?

    • Reese's Runner

      That might have changed since it has been a few years since I have walked their hallowed halls, but last time it American Express and gold bars only.

  5. Oh, Cely, You know what would make you feel more Christmas-y? A festive trip to the mall, where you can elbow apathetic teens and flocks of stay-at-home moms aside for the privilege of standing in a line of 20 people to buy an overpriced gadget, while being bombarded audibly by bad Christmas music and olfactorily by perfume samples.
    ‘Tis the season!

    • Reese's Runner

      False Gracie. If it can’t be purchased on Amazon, then they aren’t getting it for Christmas.

    • Tess

      Hey now…lots of stay at home moms are reasonable people and not crazy ass insane women who flock to the mall (God keep me from the mall~that’s a real prayer folks).

      • Reese's Runner

        Can we really call someone who voluntarily chooses to be tortured by miniature humans reasonable? And all people who go to the mall right now need mental evaluations.

  6. Michelle

    True story – I’m only excited for Christmas because Les Mis opens. I have no holiday spirit this year!

    • Reese's Runner

      Me TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! God I’m so excited for the Christmas week movies. Les Mis, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, and This is 40. It’s going to be such a great week!!!!

      • Michelle

        Wait ALL THOSE OTHER ones open that week too!?! Insane. I can take or leave This is 40 but I’m dying for the other two! Good thing I have the week off!

  7. Christina S.

    Grumpy cat is my favorite!

    And I’ve had those turkey burgers before. The only thing that made them good was buffalo sauce and mozzarella cheese. But buffalo sauce can make just about anything delicious.

    • Jess

      The Jennie-O turkey burgers in the orange box are much better – they are seasoned. I like them with salsa on top, or any kind of cheese. Because cheese makes all things better.

      And I second the buffalo sauce. Frank’s and bleu cheese crumbles on a turkey burger is pretty awesome.

  8. Lindsay

    I could never stand the taste of turkey either. Have you tried Gardenburgers? They are fantastic, shockingly.

    • Dave L

      I am definitely a carnivore (okay, omnivore, actually) and completely agree with the Gardenburgers recommendation. A coupla those patties with a slice of cheese and some guac makes pretty nice burgeresque sandwich. Still no replacing the real thing, but I like ‘em.

      • Justin

        Those things have so much shit in them..processed crap. Preservatives… etc. It’s healthier to just buy lean ground beef and form them yourselves. Those frozen vegan burgers are worse for you than just eating beef.

        • Dave L

          I like the spicy chipotle one…haven’t checked the details, but as I recall, other than being high-ish in sodium, it wasn’t bad at all while having about 70% of the calories of beef. I’ll make up the other 30% – and then some – in beer.

          • Dave L

            Oh, yeah – and they don’t taste much like beef, unfortunately, but are waaay better than any tofu one I’ve been tricked into trying.

          • Justin

            Check the polysaccharides and the kinds of fat. I just know my trainer gave me a hour long lecture about frozen meatless patties and how I’m a dumb ass.

          • Reese's Runner

            This is boring. Also, homemade patties take effort. Can’t have that now.

          • Justin

            My bad? I just prefer home made turkey burgers. Cause you can create your own seasoning. Sorry to boooreeeee you with my knowledgeable insight on frozen shit patties.

          • Reese's Runner

            You should be.

        • Lindsay

          Certain kinds, definitely. But it is possible to find legitimately healthy ones made with seeds, nuts, soy, vegetables, and spices- or you can make your own (a la http://ohsheglows.com/2011/07/13/our-perfect-veggie-burger/ etc.).

          I agree meat could ideally be more nutritious than the heavily processed types of soy burgers, but honestly, with the hormones and chemicals used in cattle feed and slaughterhouses (you should see what they clean the machines with- ugh…), I shy away from it…

    • Reese's Runner

      Who makes those?

  9. Gerard Butler is terrible. My one Christmas wish is that he never make another rom-com again.

  10. Allison

    a) I love you.
    b) We left a solid 82% of our Christmas decor in hell. I mean Corpus. Our tree has one half strand of lights and tinsel. TINSEL for crying out loud.
    c) In two shortish weeks, I WILL SEE YOU!!! and that, my friend, should make you happy.

  11. Tiffany & Co. will also catalog-stalk you forever and ever. I bought one piece of sterling silver jewelry from them 2 years ago and I get these insane catalogs filled with jewelry I will never even hope to afford 4 times a year. What was it exactly about my $100 purchase that led you to believe I can buy a $9,000 necklace, T&Co?

  12. Miriam

    I feel very happy that Christmas is coming, but I’m not sure why. I am usually more like you. But this year, I had already bought 75% of my christmas present and made up my christmas tree (my 1rst in 10 years) before December 1st…

  13. I agree with the holiday spirit thing. I just can’t get into it this year. I wish blog-world would, indeed, calm down.

  14. Ana

    I think every woman fell in love with Gerard Butler in 300 but I also think they may have used some computer magic to make him look more like the character in the graphic novel. If you look at him now he looks more like Tom Green….it’s disturbing.

  15. I am a genius, Seals :) I convinced both families that from now on we will be teaching the children that Christmas is more about TIME spent together and appreciating what we are fortunate enough to have than giving/receiving gifts. So we are taking each other’s kids for a “day of fun” as their gift, and the grandparents are giving them cute little vouchers for activities to do with us (the petting zoo, amusement park, ice skating, etc.). We got them gymnastics and guitar lessons as gifts, and Santa will bring just one bigger toy each and then just two smaller things. We aren’t doing gifts amongst adults “to set a good example.” Although, I did get my mom to clean my house in lieu of a gift, and we’re enlarging a photo of our kids. Because everyone loves pictures of my kids as gifts ;) In conclusion, we won’t be hauling home 98 bags of presents that they will lose/break/outgrow and/or get donated to Goodwill next spring ;) Santa shops online, so I haven’t set foot in an actual store to shop this year :) And I scaled down my decorating so that it all fits in one bin and takes less than an hour to put up! “Low-key and stress-free” is my motto from now on :)

  16. Grumpy cat FTW! I can’t stand turkey burgers either. they get so dry and bland! Portobello caps, however, make a great beef substitute.

  17. This backwoods peasant had no idea that Nieman’s doesn’t accept Visa.

    You are in good company.

  18. PS thanks for being the guinea pig on the turkey burgers. I won’t waste my time.

  19. You should try the Triten salmon burgers for costco. super healthy, loaded with protein, and YUMMY! I liked to drizzle them with a little bit of trader joe’s peanut salad dressing. sounds weird but yum

  20. I thought it was against the law in TX to not eat beef.

  21. sara

    I was grumpy about xmas until I got an email forward with families awkward xmas cards and it turned my day around. In other news I also have a POUNDING headache at this moment and since pills werent helping I snagged a reeces mini cup from the receptionists desk, I’m winning at life now. just thought you should know. I think reeces could cure aids (this is not an endorsement)

  22. sara

    and yes, I realized i spelled reeses wrong, hence why I had to bookmark your blog i never spell it correctly. I blame cats

  23. Regarding turkey burgers, try making them from scratch. I found a recipe online and made them last summer using ground turkey, worcester sauce, onions, and a slew of spices. I threw them on the grill and they came out big, juicy and perfect.

  24. Rachael

    I saw a special on the Travel Channel about businesses that get a bulk of their business during the holidays and they talked about Neiman Marcus. Apparently the Christmas catalog is one of the most stolen items from the post office. And they only send them out to a million people a year, less than 1% of the country. So you should be feeling privileged you get to look at all that crap that you can’t afford to buy when mere paupers have to use their computers or actually go to the store. :)

  25. Krystal

    Dunno just feel bad for people that are named Mike LOL!! Should I be surprised a Justin was being too mean? HAHA!!

  26. Nooo! I love me some Gerry Butler ( you know, because we’re BFF’s and I can call him that) even if he is a man whore. I dare any girl to watch “P.S. I Love You” and not swoon over him.

  27. WAAAAAT?!?!? Matthew Crawley not returning? Are you talking about season 3 or 4? Because I saw previews for season 3 that he was in. But if he’s not coming back for season 4, then that means that him and Lady Mary either are NOT going to get married or he’s going to die. Oh my gosh, I don’t think I can live another year without knowing. Enter in hyperventilation. Pass me a brown paper bag please.

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