When bad things happen to good (ish) people.
Monthly Archives: November 2012
1. Today is not the first of December. I do not get paid today. I just realized this. There is no recovery from this realization. I don’t have any grand plans that require spending money today, I just really relish those few hours of wealth before I pay my rent and bills.
2. I also love cheese. Which is why I immensely enjoyed “A Steamy Love Letter to Cheese.”
To me, you are perfect.
3. Rose @ RoseRunner has finished her intellectual assessment of “The Stupidest Man Alive.” Go read that for a chuckle.
4. Game of Thrones is not coming back until the end of March!! That like 121 days from now!!!! Oh my God. See:
5. Forty-six days until India!!! Somebody actually asked if I was going to miss Corpus Christi (my fair city) while I was gone.
Hahahaha. Dumb question.
6. I’ve been saving the Downton Abbey Revisted special for tonight. I just can’t wait to get back home and watch it. In case you missed it, it is airing again on PBS tonight. Yeah!
7. Texas Tech. WTF is going on??? You broke my heart this season. Just plain broke it. I’m on the hire Kliff Kingsbury as head coach bandwagon all the way. Plus, he looks just awful in all that maroon. Free Kliff!
8. Gross, just talked about football. I’m so sorry.
Hahahahaha. I wish I was her friend. I’m so thankful that I like my family and the only controversial subject is college football.
10. Speaking of Thanksgiving, Nilakshi sent me The Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog. It’s so fantastic.
11. Miley, you have a couple of runs in your hose. Just thought you should know.
12. Oh Quinn, you mysterious hottie you. I never even suspected.
13. Kate got a new haircut. Then the world stopped turning.
The day she chops those glossy locks off is going to be a dark day indeed. I feel like if you have good hair then you should be required by law to keep it long so that all of us with crappy hair can enjoy it. The same goes for you Amanda Seyfried. No cutting allowed.
15. Thank you Kara. You are the best.
Apparently the theme for this week is just complete and total failure at life. I have just plain sucked this week. The only thing that I haven’t screwed up is on not eating sugar and that is only because I was sick for most of the week. It’s so been so incredibly wonderful.
That cat makes me happy when nothing else can.
I ordered a webcam for a web training next week. Since I’m so awesome with technology, I decided it would be a good idea to practice using it beforehand. I asked my friend Allison (in case you somehow forgot, she’s the jerkface who moved and left me here) to Skype with me over lunch. It took us FOREVER to make it all work. FOREVER. She didn’t have Skype, then I couldn’t find her, then we didn’t have video, then we didn’t have sound, then only one of us had sound, and then only one had video. We had all the problems. It was pathetic and embarrassing. On the bright side, it was a good chance to practice our miming technique and watch each other be extremely frustrated in silence.
Yep, those two ladies do not struggle at all with technology. We also tried to fix the color, but failed at that also.
It was like living on the sun. If anyone is looking to do a reality show on the trials and tribulations of the highly incompetent yet somehow in charge of stuff, call us!
I fell last night. Fell while skipping. Skipping. The dumbest thing there is. I shall never skip again. I went for a run and enjoyed a nice three miler in the semi-cool evening air. As I walked back to my apartments, I passed one of my neighbors standing in a parking lot. He yelled at me and I walked over to say hi. I asked him why he was alone in an empty parking lot like a axe murderer. He said “skipping.” Nobody skips after the age of seven, that’s a damn fact. He disagreed and said skipping is some sort of magic cardiovascular exercise.
After several minutes of taunting and pleading with me, I agreed to give skipping a chance. Approximately seven yards later, I skipped myself right into the pavement. We can go ahead and add him to the list of people that I will never make eye contact with again. I just wanted to die. I haven’t been that embarrassed in a long time. Because I’m super smooth, I just pretended it didn’t happen and silently disappeared into the night.
After making it safely back to my home, I heated some pulled pork in the microwave. I then lifted it out and poured it right down both my legs. I have no memories of lifting it and I have no idea how it happened. It just slipped right out of the bowl and all over me. Sizzling pork fat will really put a scald on you.
By the grace of God, I remembered to get my phone out of my pocket before I jumped fully clothed into the cold shower. That would have been an expensive little oversight. Between the pavement burn and the actual burn marks, my legs are looking sexy. At this point, I will be surprised if I survive until Friday afternoon. I have accidentally almost killed myself too many times this week. I’m just going to wrap myself in foam and try not to move.
I’ve been sick for the past couple of days, so that’s been fun. Bardot and I slept (meaning I puked while Bardot slept peacefully as if cherubs had stuffed her big ears full of fluffy clouds) on the bathroom floor last night. Don’t worry, she took my blankets and pillow and made herself a nice little nest. When I was sick on Monday night, she proceeded to lay on me every time I got back in bed. Sadly those measly 23 pounds are not enough to hold me down.
I retain the right to ruin your sleep whenever I want you snoring little monster.
It’s scary and sad that I have so many friends who have been in a similar situation. One friend even met the guy in person and dated him for SIX MONTHS before finding out he was married and lying about everything. He pretended to be at his grandfather’s deathbed while he was really on his honeymoon. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD!!!! Use the Google ladies, like your life depends on it.
If you wanted to be further creeped out, you can read this article from the LA Times about a woman who fell in love with a man named “Jesse James” who was made up by a random lady who pretended to be both him and his sister. Just don’t read it right before bed. Lindsey sent it to me late on Monday night and I would not have slept a wink, even if I hadn’t been busy puking.
Finally, if you want to laugh and feel slightly less freaked out about the world we are all dating in, go back to Lindsey’s blog and read her adventures in online dating. You can learn about several interesting men including the guy who only eats five times a week. You just can’t even make that kind of crazy up. That’s an entirely special breed.
(Jacked from Happy or Hungry without permission. Please don’t sue me. I’m poor.)
Sorry for the laziness today, but her blog is a billion times more entertaining and interesting anyway. Really, I’m doing you a favor. After reading these stories, I hope you will virtually join us (Lindsey and I) as official shut-ins. I’m okay with being alone and spinsterhood just feels like such a natural path anyway. Just me, my pets, and a box of wine.
No one will be wearing my skin anytime soon (unless they are already hiding in my apartment…. gonna add “checking for serial killers” to my list of things to do before I leave for work). Anyway, I’m going to start tackling that list and try to get it together and go to work because educational policy NEVER STOPS. Not in America. We love to makes rules, regulations for rules, policies for regulations for rules, and strategic task forces for evaluating the policies for regulations on rules. It’s not frustrating or redundant at all. Peace out y’all.
If I’m not back tomorrow, please call 911. Thanks.