WTF Wednesday

There are so many damn mosquitoes. Every where. All the time. My legs are arms are covered in bites from my run last night. Absolutely covered. WTF whyyyy is this already happening!!! They are in such large swarms that Bardot and I went through one the other day and she actually was gagging on them. It was a bad day.

It was dramatic.

A female dentist in Poland is facing three years in prison after pulling out all of her ex-boyfriends teeth during a routine dental surgery. WTF was he thinking going to visit the woman he just dumped for dental surgery?? I don’t think she should be held accountable for his poor decisions.  I still see an ex occasionally cycling by the bay and it takes everything I have no to just gently nudge him into the ocean with my car. It would be in the best interest of humanity if he just disappeared.

Seriously. Watch your back.

There are giant cannibal shrimp casually invading the Gulf of Mexico. WTF!! That thing is terrifying!! How did you get here!!!

If that thing touched me while I was swimming I would die. That is disgusting.  *shudder* Between cedar, fire ants, feral hogs, nutria, and Africanized Bees, Texas does not have room for anymore species. WE ARE FULL.

Before a run, while Caroline and I are waiting for our Garmins to find satellites, we like to have a dance off. The longer the watches take to load, the stranger the dancing gets. Last night as we did the Carlton, we looked at each and realized that we are going to be alone forever.  No one on earth can handle this severe level of weird. I don’t know WTF is wrong with us, but we have to get this under control quick.

(source)

If she was covered in Oreo crumbs it would a regular Tuesday for me.

After nine years of gestation, Jessica Simpson has given birth. WTF will she talk about now?

One of my friends just got back from Hawaii (lucky bitch). At 12:23 she brought me this:

At 12:26 it was empty. Holy crap chocolate covered nuts are amazing. I don’t know WTF she was thinking bringing me back something like that. I was going to have one and naturally I ended up eating about 40.  So then I had to eat my sandwich afterward to cleanse the haunting taste of chocolate from my palate. I would trade Bardot for another can of those. Not really I think, but get back to me at 2:30 pm.

I still don’t understand how that woman won $3 million in the Nutella lawsuit.  Obviously if you can read, you can tell that Nutella isn’t the nutritional equivalent of an apple. WTF is so complicated about this? I don’t see why you can’t have it for breakfast. You just can’t eat the entire jar (<– guilty) every day.

Obviously it has a ton of sugar, but so do Lucky Charms and tons of other breakfast options. Syrup anyone?  And honestly, I get her point with their “healthy breakfast option” advertisement, but anything can be a part of a healthy breakfast if you don’t go overboard. And that includes liquor.

I don’t really grasp how a doctor found the “g-spot” on a dead woman.  WTF? How did he establish that that was the highly touted spot? I understand nerve endings and anatomy and such, but shouldn’t you um, get a woman’s opinion as to whether or not that is the fabled magic spot? If you understand this, please let me know.

Don’t they all.

88 Comments

Filed under WTF Wednesday

88 Responses to WTF Wednesday

  1. I dreamt about Hawaii last night. I went to the navy exchange to get some chocolate covered macadamias, but they wouldn’t sell them to me because my military id was expired. I woke up sobbing.

  2. The Nutella thing seriously blows my mind. People are either really that stupid or they are just that dumb… and I’m gonna go with both.

    • Lisa M

      I’m with you Katie. And “yes” I feed it to my child for breakfast. “No
      I didn’t think it was HIGHLY nutritional. But why work when you can sue and get $3M? Leave it to some “brilliant” folks in CA to come up with this lawsuit. Lucky chick got the cash! (Did I say “lucky”? I meant “brilliant idiot”) Now if we can just get Jose Cuervo to produce a TV ad that tells us tequila helps our liver I’ll be RICH RICH RICH!!!

      • Piper

        AMEN. And who were the idiot jurors who granted this woman the money. Maybe it’s a CA thing, but did they not realize she could look at the nutritional information to decide how healthy it was.

  3. Alisa

    Apparently there was a Carlton flashmob – let by Carlton himself: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/its-not-unusual-heres-a-carlton-dance-flash-mob/

    • Reese's Runner

      How very very odd.

      • I was annoyed by this. It was way too “Look at us. We are going to do a flash mob right now.” There was hardly anyone in the vicinity NOT involved, so it wasn’t even like, “whoa, what’s going on?” cool, it was all, “huh. they are all just doing a group dance together right now with no gradual integration or clever ruse to pull me in whatsoever” lame. Which is too bad; it could’ve been great.

  4. You make Texas sound so delightful. I’m this close to booking my ticket to visit.

    I do way stranger things than doing the Carlton while waiting for my Garmin and my husband somehow survives. You just need to find a guy who had recent head trauma. That really is the key to bagging them…before they realize what they have done.

    I was disappointed in that Polish dentist. I felt like she lacked creativity. Wouldn’t it be funnier to take out every OTHER tooth so he couldn’t get dentures and looked like a backwoods hick?

    • Reese's Runner

      You make two excellent points. Damaged and traumatized man and hillbilly teeth. I like it.

      • My comment this morning made me later on remember how when I came home from a marathon once wearing a shirt with “Crazy Bitch” written on it in puffy paint my husband just shook his head and said “NOW you’re advertising?”

        • Reese's Runner

          Hahahaha. I should probably wear that shirt. All day. Every day. And give men a notice to sign that they realize I am slightly unbalanced and hateful.

          • No, no, no, Cely. It’s the other way around ;) Pretend you are normal and sweet and sane and then — BAM!!! — when they least suspect it (the 2nd trimester, in my experience…), you release your batshit craziness on them and be all, “SUCKER! What now??!”

            LOL. I know my boyfriend puts up with me by choice, but sometimes even I wonder why ;) I’m not right :)

  5. Misty

    Last year NW Louisiana didn’t have a huge mosquito problem. But we were in the middle of a drought. This year the mosquitos are extra motivated to give us all West Nile.

    A buddy of mine in New Orleans bought a bag of shrimp the other day that were fresh from the Gulf. The ones in the middle of the bag had these weird giant pink tumors hanging off of them. The damn things looked more like crawfish than shrimp. Shrimp used to be the only seafood I ate but that’s so not an option anymore.

    • Reese's Runner

      That is a terrible story. Absolutely horrible. Surely frying those little suckers kills the cancer right??

  6. Wow, between your picture and the comment above describing shrimp with tumors, I think I am done with shrimp.

    I think the woman who sued has to be smart. And very shady. Nobody can really be that dumb. She found something to sue over, feigned stupidity and went for it. Isn’t that the american way?

    • Agreed. Even though it’s nonsense and I am baffled that a judge ruled in her favor, she is laughing her “dumb” ass all the way to the bank :) Also, if I won $3 mil, where would I put it? Like, Wells Fargo will only guarantee me up to up $100,000, I think (this has never been an issue…). I guess I would just wire it to the Caymens, I suppose. That’s what people do on tv.

      • Reese's Runner

        And in John Grisham books. Maybe I should sue Snickers for saying they are satisfying? Because I need like three to feel satisfied.

        • Justin

          Off shore bank accounts have a couple of perks. Contrary to popular belief you can still be taxed on that money. Also the only reason people wire money off shore is to prevent people (wives) from taking them to the cleaners.

          • 1) No one loves me enough to marry me (a second time…), so thanks for rubbing THAT in.

            2) I don’t really clean. So I have no use for “the cleaners” that you speak of. Unless I can pay them to clean for me… genius!

            3) I should’ve been putting my money into off-shore accounts for the past 4 years! Why didn’t you tell me?? I am pretty much the nicest person ever to divorce. I will just let you keep everything and then pay you money that you don’t even need on top of that ;)

          • Reese's Runner

            Ahahahaha. I’m the same way (not in a divorce obviously, but long-term relationship break-ups). Just take it all and get the hell out of here. And I’m totally going to have to start hiding all my money. Gosh there is so much, I wonder if their banks are big enough for it all? Probably not.

          • If you invest all of your money in ChapStick, I will make you a very rich woman.

  7. Ha, that dentist story is great. That guy must have been seriously deranged or desperate to go to an ex.

    • Reese's Runner

      Probably a cheap ass. Got what he deserved.

      • AGREED! If he was out, I would’ve found a bunch of other stuff to do to him, too. If I was going to lose my license and/or go to jail, you can be sure I’d also be slicing off nipples and carving my name into his chest! What a moron.

        • Reese's Runner

          Forehead is better. Good warning for other ladies.

          • Justin

            why the hell do I want to date you again? WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO MEAN! lol. Note to self: Do not piss off Cely, and do not let her put me under..she is not a real dr …even though her name starts with a Dr…it’s just a PhD in educational development. Okay..NOTED.

          • Reese's Runner

            I’m completely offended by the above statements. And if you don’t want things on your forehead then just don’t be an asshole or ask me to operate on you. Just be nice. And the inaccuracies in your above statement are appalling.

          • Justin

            relax babe, it’s a joke. You know I’m absolutely smitten by you. Even if you want to ram an ex bf of yours with your car. NO big deal.

          • Justin, this is simply “passion.”
            I melt inside every time you call her babe :)

  8. Rebecca

    See, now this is exactly what I fear about being an organ donor. I’ll be damned if some guy is going to be prodding around my vag to prove he’s some kind of sex genius. Way to go, dude. You found the g-spot on a DEAD PERSON. I guess we’ll all just have to take your word for it, huh? I’m sure that’s going on your match.com profile. CREEPER.

    • The key to sexual satisfaction is to be dead. That’s what I learned here.

    • Rachael

      To be fair, she donated her body to science, she wasn’t an organ donor.
      When you’re an organ donor you give some of your organs or skin, but your family can choose what to or not to give (so if you’re having an open casket, you can give all your insides away, and keep the outsides fine).
      When you donate your body to science, they can do whatever the hell they want to you (within reason). Usually med students slice you open, but I guess creepy doctor man sliced her open this time.

  9. YES YES YES on the Nutella lawsuit. I actually just wrote a semi-intoxicated post about that last night. It just blows my mind that 1) people apparently cannot be bothered to read nutrition labels and would rather sue someone than just be like “oh, should have read the label”, and 2) with all of the actual problems that exist, our legal system is dealing with this shit.

    I also think I have a solution to the Tiger Prawn invasion – eat them all. Those suckers are delicious grilled with a squeeze of lemon.

  10. you are hysterical. Thanks for bringing me a good laugh to get this treacherous day in the office started. There isn’t enough Ben & Jerrys in the world that could make Wednesdays bearable, but WTF Wednesdays always seem to help!

  11. I LOVE nutella. To the point where I can’t even buy it anymore because I am physically unable to resist the temptation and have been known to eat an entire jar in one sitting.

    Yikes.

  12. There go the Big O’s Jess was raving about. Maybe she could pop out the next baby a little faster.

    The Kidless Kronicles

  13. The nutella fiasco is ridiculous. Yeah I get it yadda yadda the commercial shouldnt have implied its healthy for kids and can be eaten everyday and its therefore false advertising but… BIATCH PLEASE. If you care that much about what goes into your body read the flipping labels.

    For example: Today for lunch I had a sweet chilli oriental wrap, a banana, some chocolate, a caramel latte and a Naked Green Machine smoothie. Now if I take five flipping seconds to look at the labels I can tell you that 1. the smoothie really is perfect nutritionally- just whisked fruit; the banana is just banana; the chocolate has a buttload of sugar and fat and is also 250kcal; and although the wrap says its a ‘shapers’ low cal one and has veggies and prawn in it I can also see that it does have added sugar (it annoys me but at least I know) and that the wrap isnt all wholewheat (pretty impossible to get one that is). So yeah, not a perfect lunch but reasonable and I damn well know whats in it cause I read the packaging.

    Anyone with a brain can guess that chocolate spread should be a treat.

  14. I just sent your dancing future cat lady quote to a bunch of coworkers, and if they thought it was funny they got to remain my friends.

  15. Melissa

    9 lbs 13 oz…dear god.

    I give that woman mad, mad props.

    • Reese's Runner

      Seriously. I don’t know how someone so petite could push something out that large. Insane.

      • I will tell you how. It’s because they give you no other option. No matter how much you cry or beg or scream. You say, “No, thank you. That baby doesn’t need to come out. She is perfectly fine living in my belly forever.” And they are all, “No, woman — PUSH!!!!” And then they tug and pull and use archaic forceps or vacuums if you won’t “cooperate”…

        Wait. What I mean to say is that childbirth is actually quite lovely. You should have a whole bunch of babies :)

      • Justin

        wanna try? :)

        • Reese's Runner

          After Sonja’s ringing endorsement? *shudder*

          • Justin

            Do I need to start sending pictures of itty Bitty and issy? ASK CHELS child birth can’t be THAT bad. Other wise women wouldn’t do it multiple times. Let’s practice at least.

          • For some women, it’s all rainbows and unicorns (Cely, ask your mom how it was for her; that’s a pretty accurate prediction of how yours will be). However, even when it’s awful, you want to do it again and again ‘cuz you get the most wonderful little people out of it. They are worth anything, you see :)

          • allison

            I dont want even to know what “itty bitty and issy” are referring too! nasty . However, I am still team Justin :)

          • Reese's Runner

            OMG hahaha. No No No, they are his God daughters who are beautiful.

          • Allison, I kinda feared the same thing, but those aren’t very flattering nicknames for something like that ;) So I figured it was babies :) I am also Team Justin. Perhaps we’ll order shirts. Nah; if I’m ordering shirts, they will all say Team Sonja. I will mail them to each of you. You are lucky to know me ;)

          • Reese's Runner

            That’s ironic because I totally got “Team Sonja” tattooed on my ass last night. In Old English of course, so it looks classier.

          • Reese's Runner

            Also, “Team Cely” shirts are far far far more appropriate.

          • Well it’s about time SOMEONE did :) And you must be rich ~ my shop charges by the letter for Old English! I’d only be able to afford the “T!”

          • How about “Team Justly?” You know, like how the media names celebrity couples. Just pretend you are celebrities :) I pretty much think I am. I am surprised you haven’t begged for my autograph. On your ass.

          • Chels

            It’s pretty bad. But tiny humans are wonderful. Times a billion.
            I recommend a 3 step process
            1) premarital counseling (you think it’s dumb, everyone does, do it anyway)
            2) get married
            3) have babies

          • Chels… I did that the first time, but this time around I have found this process to be moderately successful:

            1) Get pregnant
            2) Go to counseling
            3) Hope to get engaged soon

            It seems foolproof, really. I am pretty sure it’s general knowledge that babies make everything better ;) Relationships, especially.

          • Chels

            Lol true, sleep deprivation/hormones/crying baby/useless man ( I know they try but really? They always get “helpful” so wrong) is a true cocktail for relationship bliss. I have a friend who reminds me so much of you, always has me laughing & always making people go, did she really just say that out loud? Hahahah amazing.

          • Probably the universe’s way of telling you that we should be friends… just sayin’

  16. The bugs have reached out in NC too, and our mosquito sprayer guy won’t call us back. kelley is quite upset about it.

  17. Elizabeth

    That dentist is my hero.

  18. I love everything about this post! How big was Jessica’s baby? Like 20 pounds? And does a cannibal shrimp eat other shrimp? And why isn’t it Friday already? I swear it should be.

  19. Miriam

    The dentist pulling the teeths of her ex boyfriend is so funny!! haha What a jackass to go see her. I wouldn’t say well deserve but really a great story! I love the part that his new girlfriend left him now that he has no teeths hahaha. I only wonder if this is all true. ;)

  20. what are you using to edit your photos now that picnic is gone?
    Jessica Simpson will regret that outfit one day. Eww!

  21. MaryAnne

    I caught that story about the dentist over the weekend and I laughed so long I gave myself an asthma attack.

    Strangely though, when I posted the link on Facebook, not one of my guy friends clicked “like” … just women. :)

  22. So glad J. Simps finally had her baby, I was getting scared for her. I read she was eating buttered pop tarts while she was pregnant. Don’t know if that’s completely valid, but if it is, ick. Congrats to her on having a healthy baby though!

    One of the challenges on Biggest Loser this year was to guess which had the highest fat and calories out of a certain group of food. Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nuts came in highest over a lot of other stuff I would have thought to be worse. I’ve never had one, but they look damn good!

  23. Those giant shrimp look delicious. The Nutella lawsuit is just one more example of how Americans are rewarded for stupidity. A dead woman? Gross.

  24. Justin

    You know what is sexy? Mosquito bites on a womans leg … connect the dots bahahaaa. With a sharpie.

  25. Have you heard of Trader Joe’s cookie Butter? Far more addicting than Nutella! http://blogs.laweekly.com/squidink/2012/02/trader_joes_cookie_butter_speculoos.php

    (Please tell me there’s a Trader Joe’s where you are at…)

  26. Nay

    I’m going to have bad dreams about that “shrimp” in out gulf tonight

  27. Wow who the heck would ever consider Nutella health food. All you have to do is taste it once! Amazing what people can get money for these days. Like the person from McDonalds who sued because she split coffee on herself but didn’t know it was hot because the cup didn’t say “Hot” on it. Really lady? You bought COFFEE! Crazy!

    • Rachael

      Megan, you might want to watch a documentary called “Hot Coffee” that’s about the McDonald’s lady lawsuit.

      They go over how ppl get the facts wrong (I def did before I watched the movie) and how she wasn’t the only victim, the coffee was set to scalding temperatures, the car was stopped, she had crazy 3rd degree burns, and they based her reward on how much McDonalds coffee was sold in 2 days.

      It’s super interesting and def made me think about all these “crazy” lawsuits (though the Nutella one seems super off).

  28. Lindsey

    I live in Baton Rouge(originally from GA) and am terrified of seeing a Nutria for the first time. Did you know People will EAT, yes EAT, them?? Freaking horrifying.

  29. Jill

    Hi there!
    I stumbled across your blog from a link from another blog and I’m hooked! You are hilarious and I look forward to your posts every day like a crack addict!! Thanks for keeping me entertained!
    Jill

  30. Jess

    Target and Walgreens are the only places I have found that carry Mauna Loa candies full time.

    And PS- you can tour the factory in Hawaii. That’s how I got hooked. I ration out the dark chocolate ones to make them last.

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