Last Friday I went to work. When I got there I found a giant box of donuts. I made an immediate decision.
And by “we” I simply mean my teeth and me. So eat we did.
All day long.
Donuts donuts donuts.
And then I cried at my desk. Not because I ate donuts and I was going to get OMG fat from it, but because eating the donuts was the best part of my week. I also refuse to spell donut as “doughnut.” So there’s that too. Anyway, I am feeling a lot better this week. I think hanging out with my mom and sister really lifted my spirits. My mom also informed me that while it is okay to be sad and miserable all I want, I am going to be really upset when I wake up one day happy but 50 pounds heavier. This is a true story. So I’m going to work on not feeding my feelings with…well… food. My misery has been further perpetuated by my tendency to be a hermit when things aren’t going well. Like my father, I hate and hide from humans when I’m in a bad mood. In all honesty, on a perfectly fine day there is nothing I love more than the absolute bliss that is being completely alone in my home. But when I feel sad or lonely, holing up and refusing to leave my bed is probably not going to do much more than reinforce those feelings. So as part of my plan to end my self-inflicted isolation, I’ve been going to Crossfit this week. Twice in fact. That is one time more per week than I’ve managed for the past month. So impressive, I know.
Precisely Kate (You like that transition from pictures of me to pictures of Kate? Practically twins we are). Anyway, I’ve been forced out of the house twice and into social interaction with strangers (Outside of work, of course. Work is a safe place because I can just hide in my office looking way too busy to be interrupted.) twice this week. I even went to the “Barbell Club” last night which focuses on Olympic lifting skills for the entire hour (no Workout of the Day). I was the only girl there and I knew no one (not that I know anyone normally, but I at least recognize a few faces around me). I initially started to panic and almost left, but I figured that would be way more strange and awkward than if I just joined in. I think Crossfit is really good for me because it is really challenging (running is obviously really challenging for me too, but I already know I can run and feel comfortable doing it), I have to interact with other people, it’s harder to chicken out becuase I have to pay for it and I pre-register for time slots, and my coach gives me shit when I don’t show up ( <- this is really important). I am the type of person that can be guilted/shamed (I have the soul of a Catholic) into doing almost anything. So when I skip the entire week (like I did last week) and my coach gives me the “you are wasting your time and mine if you don’t make a commitment to showing up and improving,” it is really motivating. It’s also nice to work out with other people for the pure camaraderie and encouragement. Running alone is great and wonderful for my mental health, but it is also isolating at times and hard for me to get motivated. I just have to drive myself to Crossfit and then I have no choice because I’m already there. I’m sure it’s that way with any sort of group exercise atmosphere, but I’ve never really participated in any so I have no idea.
I have felt better since I’ve been exercising this week and eating normally. “Normal eating” can be defined as reasonable portions that someone would eat to keep them properly satisfied and fueled. I’m not dieting or anything specific, just trying to not eat boxes of Thin Mints for dinner, or bottles of wine, or an entire box of pizza. A few slices of pizza? Yes. A large pizza? No ma’am. Just taking it day by day and trying not to take out feelings on the vending machine or left over cinnamon buns in the kitchen after last night’s retirement reception. It is also nice to not wake up each morning with a stomach ache and raging heartburn. I’ve also been focusing on not eating late (because it keeps me awake and gives me heartburn) and getting into bed to read for at least an hour instead of watching TV until midnight. So getting back on a normal sleep schedule is also helping. Sometimes I forget that my roommate and I are on completely opposite schedules so I stay up late with her forgetting that I have a job that I have to get up at 6 for. Booooo for growing up. Every time she tells me that she can’t wait to finish school (she’s working on a post-bac degree in nursing) I threaten to strangle the life out of her. I know being broke and studying sucks, but not nearly as much as working every single day for 12 hours. No matter how tired, sad, moody, stressed, or overwhelmed you are, you still have to go. Anyway, the point of this long rambling post is that I’m trying to get my life back together. Even though I’m sad.
`
good for you! You can do it! Cheer, cheer, etc! But seriously, good to hear you’re taking care of yourself. It might make you even more sad for the first few days (no donuts can make you sad), but eventually you’ll start to feel better.
I’m totally with you on most of this. No tv before bed (reading instead), eating smaller portions, etc etc. Your mom put it 100% best when she said one day you’d wake up happier but 50lbs heavier. That’s what I feel like happened to me. Just when I’m ready to be social, I’ve made it difficult to pull on jeans.
Also, I’m sorely disappointed in Kate for wearing booties. I cannot STAND them. I suppose I can allow her one fail per year. ONE.
Admire Kate but until she isn’t going to blow away in the next breeze, have to admit I can’t take her very seriously :(
Oh I HATE booties too!! I almost didn’t post those pictures because I was so horrified. HATE HATE HATE.
*hugs* that’s where I am too – starting over trying to get my life back together. It’s hard. But you can do it. I think you are a tough chicky and I love your sense of humour even in the hard times. If you ever want to talk to someone (albeit a complete stranger haha) I’m a message away :) xx
Hang in there! Small steps, little good decisions will add up. And keep the lb.’s down. I’ve been there, gained 15 last year and am working my ass off to lose it…get it…heh.
Loved your Austin posts! I had a great time, the race was very well run & the course support was amazing. Glad you had a good time too.
We’re all behind ya, Lady–keep on keepin’ on.
I’ve been working on the control part of my life (whether it be food, sleep, etc), and it makes me a better person–at least I feel better. Just keep with it, and you’ll appreciate it in the long run (no pun intended)!
Have a good day :).
1) SO proud of you. Seriously, I am an emotional eater/homebody as well, so I totally know how you feel. But when I force myself to just relax instead of relaxing by cramming as many PBJs into my mouth as possible, I feel a million times better,
2) How does Kate always looks so immaculate/wonderful/where does she shop I want that dress.
Wait until you get married and have kids. You will treasure the alone time. It does not happen again ever. I haven’t been to the bathroom by myself in years. I used to go up to the mountains by myself for a weekend just to get away. treasure the alone time while you can like solid gold grains of sand that are slowly slipping through your fingers.
Also, I really do hate that you are sad. I get some of the same thing right now too. Next week I’m starting tri training for really reals for the year because I’m sick of feeling fat, slow, hairy, and generally blue. If you can drown your sorrows in ‘nuts go for it, but know where the stopping point is and have a track to put yourself back on.
I can’t wait to follow your training!
Oh man, I would have loved to go out to the mountains all by myself. So relaxing.
We still own a rental property in Banner Elk, NC. When it was our vacation house, we used to go up usually two weekends a month with the kids just to hang out up there and loved it! Then I would go by myself sometimes when I had a big construction project to complete that was too dangerous to work on with the kids around. Those were the best times. Sometimes I would bring a dozen Dunkin Donuts and a half gallon of milk and that plus beer & coffee would be the only groceries I would need. It was awesome.
And being alone in the mountains sounds like heaven. And that is also why having children terrifies me. I have a fantasy of getting married, having kids, and having my own separate house to live in.
you and Helena Bonham-Carter have something in common then. I know she is weird but I secretly love her. I wanna be able to wear 2 different shoes to a premiere and be like what? i played Beatrix LESTRANGE. haters gone hate.
also- i am enormously impressed that you ate all of those donuts. and i love your blog- you are so real and SO hilarious. i wish you lived in Utah so we could be real life friends. I am sure that sounded creepy but I don’t care. :)
I’ve been so depressed this past two weeks too. It’s for a lot of the same reasons as you- and Lord knows I would have literally eaten that whole box of donuts. And no one had better say I don’t really mean “literally,” because I freaking mean it.
I hate that I’m saying this but I worked out hard this morning and I feel like a unicorn. For the record, being a unicorn fucking RULES.
Me too. Meeeee tooooo. I would have eaten the donuts and I have also been feeling ho-hum about everything lately. And I know it’s because I’ve barely been doing anything and I used my three-day weekend to stay in, lay on my couch and watch the entire first two season of Downton Abbey while face-stuffing. I know this, and I knew at the time I was going to regret it.
Both of your posts (Cely and Steph) reminded me that I feel 10 million times better when I work out on a regular basis, so merci for the wakeup call. Running tonight. Boom.
Oh, I just came back here to comment and realized that using the word “fucking” when talking about unicorns (or anything, for that matter) is completely classy. SORRY ABOUT THAT, EVERYONE.
I was okay with it so I think you should be too. I feel awesome when I workout in the morning too. But then I feel super awesome because i spend all day eating. Everything. So then it become pointless and I get angry that I missed sleep just to binge eat all day.
really. There’s awesome and then there’s unicorn awesome. Knowing when you cross that line is the important part.
This sounds like the first step! Keep moving forward and you’ll get back to your happy place!
I have been feeling the same, and have committed carbicide on more than one occasion over the past few weeks! The thought of fitting into a pair of skinny jeans for a weekend away next month fills me with fear. I’m now drinking a mug of green tea to help ease my guilt! I hope you feel better soon Cely, you’re not alone :)
See – upturn. It’s gonna happen. Great job getting out there. I know it’s NOT easy. Sending positive thoughts your way!
dang those donuts look good… i mean, good for you for getting back ‘on track’! really, good for you. and good for doing it slowly and being kind to yourself, one day at a time, not all or nothing.
i do have to say though – and maybe this is just my opinion – nothing yet in my life has come close to the horror that was law school. i’ve never worked so hard just to feel so bad about myself on a regular basis. 3 years of torture, really.
You need to cheer up .. I am sad now. And hungry for doughnuts. Dunkin doughnuts sounds like heaven in my mouth right about now.
So, sorry I had to stalk you on Goodreads to remember you changed your blog address/location. lol. I’m so glad I did. I missed a lot. I missed your writing- you entertain me, and that takes a lot of work….
Please tell me the “Wipahhhh” was a throw-back to Chandler on Friends??!?! Please tell me that. Also, I think you should do some captions with “Friends” photos.
Also, those donuts look freaking delicious and I don’t even like donuts. I’ve been emotionally eating lately…and by lately I just mean last night, so I guess not REALLY. I’m stressed out that my dog has a liver problem, so I trucked it to Chik-fil-A and got a milkshake and a spicy chicken sandwich.
Why am I telling you all this? I have no idea.
lol
Because Chik-Fil-A is incredible and you know that I can appreciate the glory that is their milkshake. Well done girl, well done.
I am getting out of my funk, too; I am glad we are on the same path :) I haven’t eaten an entire pizza myself for almost 2 weeks! Good luck to you! You’re already doing great :)
yay for you! Two weeks without pizza is a big deal! I hope to go two weeks without sugar one day!
Well… not without pizza entirely… just without an entire pizza ;) There’s a big difference – lol!
YAAAAA attawaytogo girl! I too had been in kind of a slump & I had no reason for being sad, besides finding the negative in my life & concentrating too heavily on that. Seeing this post is in perfect timing since I’ve recently been getting back in the groove of things. Your blog is so inspirational & most importantly- real! glad you’re feeling better!! :) it’s a process, trust me I know
baby steps are still progress! I sometimes go to the gym after work just to be lazy on the bike and read trashy gossip mags so I don’t have to go home and be alone and overthink my life. I’ve been blue lately since I’m not feeling well(stupid inner ear problem is affecting my balance, which means I can’t always do all my normal activity=more sadness.) awesome cycle. Anytime, at least once daily my mom tells me to focus on what I do have and what little things I’m grateful for. Sometimes this helps, sometimes not, it’s really difficult to shove down my inner panic-y worrywart.
Yikes, that is terrible! It’s hard to focus on the good when something is screwing with your life like that. But at least it’s not Cholera right?
hahaha that is true, it’s not cholera or some other exotic disease! boom, counting my blessings!
I would dole out some more profanity laden tough love, but you seem to be moving along just fine.
If you would like to therapeutically swear at me, I am ok with that. Go ahead. Give me your best beeotch!!!
Hahaha thanks for lending an ear!
Too bad you can never get rid of meeeeee! Mua-hahaha!
UGH people that bring donuts to work need to be forced to eat half the box, so then I can only eat one half of the box.
That’s awesome about getting back into CrossFit, I’m jealous because I don’t have the money/muscles/time to do it. So I will just live vicariously through you…don’t let me down. :)
I just realized yesterday how expensive it is in other places. Like two to three times what I pay. If I lived in the big city I probably wouldn’t pay for it to be honest.
I was trying to think of clever words of encouragement. but am coming up short. I will leave it at “great job”!! You are an inspiration :)
Haha, thank you! Thumbs up to you!
Kudos to you for regrouping and making the changes you feel you need. I’m so glad the time with your mom and sis rejuvenated you. You’ll get back!
I really want to try crossfit someday but I’m honestly so scared. I’m so weak I probably couldn’t do any of the workouts! But while people will say 80% diet 20% exercise and blah blah blah, I think exercise will do a lot more to help lift your spirits as well? At least for me it does.
And the time you spend exercising is time you aren’t spending sitting on the couch dreaming about food.
I always appreciate your authenticity and humor on your blog. Life is hard sometimes, and we develop patterns we are not proud of. Good for you for trying to get back in to a healthy spot.
Sometimes I recite to myself “FISH ARE FRIENDS NOT FOOD” from Finding Nemo, and instead insert “CHEESY BREAD” for fish. jfkda;jfksajfkldja;lfjla;jfla is how I feel about food.
thecrazyfat.blogspot.com
I am so sorry you are feeling so crappy, Cely. You are definitely much more honest & open about it than I could ever be, but your behavior is nearly identical to mine when I get in a funk (i.e. nearly my entire last semester). I always think it’s like a positive feedback reaction since my misery makes me want to be alone which makes me miserable, which makes me want to be alone, which makes me miserable, etc. I do realize that when I make myself leave the house & interact with people as you seem to be doing, I end up happier & gain a more positive outlooks on things (which, considering the real problems in the world, is the way it always should be). Of course, sometimes it has the opposite effect & my inner dialogue turns into this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vyq9MMcLsv4 . Anyway, the point of this insanely long comment is to say I know how you feel, & hope you continue to feel better. Also, you’re much cuter than Kate.
Cheers to getting one’s life back together. I hope all goes well for you. In the meantime, how is life so unfair? She got the gorgeous hair, the height, AND the Prince. Harrumph. Granted, I’m of an age where I’d have been looking for one of his uncles. The cute one.
Oooooooh girl! (Yeah, I just oooooh girl-ed you. Even though I should never oh girl anyone, particularly someone I’m not ACTUALLY friends with but just creep on the internet. Let’s just move on.) I’m with you on the sadness. A few weeks ago I was sitting at home with my dog, eating enough Pizza Hut for at least 5 people, watching the Bachelor and realized the amount I enjoy this type of evening is the EXACT reason I’m going to die a crazy dog lady, morbidly obese, all alone with like 42 dogs.
I’m now also realizing I only pop up to comment on your blog posts when I can commiserate with your sadness. I’m going to comment on a happy post some day…
Hahahaha nice. One of these days we will be happy again! And hopefully not trapped in our houses.
When I’m mad/sad/depressed/annoyed, I totally do the isolation thing. I like to think of it as being kind to others by removing myself from the situation, but really, I just don’t want to be bothered.
Amen to that. Amen.
I think it’s no small coincidence that your sadness coincides with the season finale of Downton Abbey.
(ps I am patiently waiting for you to blog on that subject… PATIENTLY I tell you!!!)
So true. I’m watching it tomorrow night! I can’t wait!!!
Have you tried barre classes at all? I think with your health problems, barre classes might actually really work well for you. I did it for a month in November (20 classes), and lost 4 pounds and my jeans fit super well, and I barely changed my eating habits. I just signed up for another month to try and tone up again because well…i gained back those four pounds, and my jeans don’t fit anymore. They’re a bit expensive, but so worth it imho.
I’ve always been interested in them, but the one class in my area is at 9 am. Sooooo since I have a job, no Barre for me. That’s good to hear that someone loved it so much!
Are those Shipleys?
Heaven in a box.
No, they are from a local donut purveyor. I do looooooooooooove some Shipley’s though.
Is it bad that I enjoy reading all the blog posts and comments knowing that I am not the only one who can plow through some Bachelor, wine, girl scout cookies, and large pizzas like it is my destiny in life? Well I do. and apparently lots of people do! Yay for us! I am happy that you are getting happier and totally understand your sentiments. My mom told me I better start going out with my friends because they will not be my friends much longer if I keep acting like a fat agoraphobic. Today I am actually going to do a run before I run this marathon, pray I don’t die, and function like a normal human being. Thanks for the motivation Cely!
But you needed the pizza for carb loading right?? Right??
I am not an emotional eater. When I’m sad, I don’t want to eat at all. I’m a stress eater. When I’ve got too much on my proverbial plate, all I want to do is eat lots and lots of cheesecake and chocolate and peanut butter.
But I understand the hermit aspect. I’m a bit of a hermit anyway, but it gets way worse when I’m sad. I just want to sleep all the time and not have to deal with people. But that ends up making me feel worse. I applaud you for forcing yourself to get out and especially for trying something new all by yourself. That takes courage.
Cely, I seriously LOVE your blog and your honesty SO much. I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better but there’s not. Just know, that you’re not alone. I have been eating like shit lately and precisely two nights ago cried to my husband because of my stupid decisions and lack of will power. We all have ups and downs but the important thing is how we handle it and what we do for ourselves to feel better. It sounds like you’re headed in the right direction. Way to go for steping outside of your comfort zone… I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better!
Ugh, I feel like our lives are parallel. I rarely comment but we are in such similar situations! I too went through a break up a little while ago and am still having a hard time with it, even though I feel like by now I SHOULD be feeling happy again. I’m also the same way with isolating myself, usually I love my alone time and I’m perfectly happy being by myself, but when I’m sad and by myself it gets really hard and lonely. I’ve been eating a ton and skipping out on the gym too..by yesterday I felt like I was going to explode and I was on the verge of tears all day, I knew I had to get to the gym and let out some steam or I was going to have a huge breakdown. So I got myself there and it definitely lifted my mood. I agree, it’s so difficult to get out and interact with people when your an introvert/homebody type of person, it’s something I’m really struggling with. It’s nice to know I’m not alone on these things, thanks!
Worry not, you are not alone!
I think you should take this time to write a book bc I LOVE how you write. B says “blub blub blub” which means, “Where’s that aunt Cely who talks 90 mph & always makes my mama laugh?” Miss you!
I just realized writing a book would totally isolate you even more. what a shitty friend. lol
Hahah no joke. Just me and computer foreverrrrrrr. And tell B I said hello! I loved that picture you sent last night!!
We have donuts at work every Thursday morning. I did not eat breakfast this morning bc I had a 9 am mtng & was running late. What did I eat during that meeting? A donut. (At least I took my dog for a 30 minute walk this morning, which eases the guilt a bit). Also, I like your mom’s attitude.
Also, I don’t understand how people can be motivated by a coach being disappointed in them. I have problems with authority though, so if a coach tried that sh!t with me I’d probably get really angry and threaten them. I am best motivated by my own badassery, as in, I feel like a badass if I work out. And I cannot do workouts when other people are around (running doesn’t count ). I feel like they are watching or comparing to me and it skeeves me out.
You shouldn’t feel bad at all. You just ate one. No big deal. And I respond to disappointment by adults. Can’t be letting anyone down! That’s nice that you have such awesome intrinsic motivation. Must be nice… haha.
Those donuts looked delishhhhhhh. I commend your efforts on turning the corner from sad-town and wish you the best!
Ps. I ran the Austin half last wkend was supremely jealous I didnt get to join your food tour- looked amazingggggg. I did have Cracker Barrell for dinner on Sunday though- doube biscuits? Don’t mind if I do…
Those biscuits haunt my dreams.
Hey Girly Girl,
I’m glad you are feeling a little more positive this week. Feel free to hit me up (not literally cos thats abuse) if you want a stranger to moan at.
L.
Ok I get the whole overwrought hyperbole thing…but I wonder what the reality is. You actually ate how many donuts?
I think six or so? I can’t remember how many I ate after lunch.
I love how “Whipahhhhhh” instantly makes me think Chandler Bing. I love this post. Ramble away. Encourages me to start making changes. I started making them last week, lost a couple pounds, then my skinny sister came to visit me from Vancouver. We look exactly alike except that she’s skinny. And my other sister is skinny too, so there’s me hanging out with the skinnies. They’re lucky I love them or I’d kill them. So this weekend, I’m coming up with a plan and part of it for sure is that there’s a cap on evening eating and evening tv. I love to read and I should be doing more of that. I also don’t eat when I read. Definitely should be doing more reading!!!!!! Keep it up, all the things you’re doing sound awesome.
I too have a skinny little sister. And she doesn’t exercise or watch what she eats. Sometimes I want to shank her. And she is taller with long legs. Anyway, I feel you.
yay CELY! or should I say Dr. Smart…anyway, i’m trying to do the same and I’m not sad….well not for any good reason…i LOVED the link you have to that blog about being sad for no reason! : )
I can totally relate! Since moving to Lake Tahoe in January and starting a job where I work from home, I have basically been a giant slob. Like staying in my PJs all day, or putting on workout clothes with the intention of working out but not actually ever doing it. And as you can imagine my eating habits have been less than stellar (read excessive baking slash consuming it all) But I figure it’s time to get back on track and eat healthy and actually exercise again because I know if i don’t I’m really going to be wishing I would have come Memorial Day. So far I’ve gone to the gym twice this week and haven’t eaten like crap the past few days…and it feels pretty good! Here’s to actually being respectable human beings! :)
I am an emotional eater too. I had two rough days at school. So what to I do to make me feel better? I have wine, thai food, and a bowl of cheetos flamin hot. I may regret it tomorrow but it makes me feel better.
Those flaming’ cheetos are sooooo dangerous!!!!! I love them!!
I am having an extra stressful week and talked myself out of getting french fries on my way home today. If anyone was watching me they would’ve thought I was a lunatic. I circled around the parking lot SEVERAL times before finally mustering up enough will power to say no and drive home instead. It was like my internal dialogue was out on display for all to see. When I got home and made a healthy dinner instead, I felt like a rock star!
Oh no!!! But good for you. I’ve done the same thing by walking in and out of a gas station several times. Some days are so hard.
Man I love your blog. I’m part emotional eater slash binge eater. I have a thing where once I eat past what I think is ‘acceptable’ I eat myself sick. I didn’t use to have this problem till I started to be conscious of what I ate! Catch 22 I suppose? I have such a hard time controlling myself around sugar (which I think you are the same) once I get the taste I just want more…anyway not much point to this except to say I completely get where you are coming from and I love you put this out there…so much more relatable to read about someone actually having this issue than a HLB going ‘I ate 5 cookies…I felt really bad..’ I mean is anyone really like that in real life? 5 cookies is a serve I would have thought. Speak to me when u have had 20 ok.
Ps Reese’s have begun to be main stream in Australia in service stations and I saw big cups in one the other day..it’s a very dangerous situation.
Part of me says that you need to try them because they are so wonderful. But the sensible half says don’t even go there. It’s too hard to stop and stay reasonable. And yes only 5 cookies would be a major accomplishment for me too
just wanted to apologise – use= used* (stuffing up my own spelling really annoys me)
oh and I already have tried them…its the staying away from them that is dangerous. Those things are ADDICTIVE. Australians aren’t huge on the whole peanut butter/chocolate thing yet but I think we are coming around to its amazing qualities (by the way can’t remember if you guys have a lot of lindt chocolate in america but they have peanut butter chocolate truffle balls sold in a box of 12 here…someone at lindt is out to get me)
I think the official term for you what you are suffering from is called “winter funk”. I know that you live in a warm, dry climate, however, we here in the Northeast suffer from this disorder in masses. From Feb. 1 to April 15, we are a mopey, sad, carb eating bunch. I would recommend some sunshine and beach time (if possible).
The other possibility is that you are suffering from Downton withdrawal. For that I recommend finding another awesome period drama to enjoy.
Here is a trite “feel better” because I hope you do soon.
Ugh I hate the beach. Hahah. Maybe a pool will help?
Cely, I understand what you’re saying about food and comfort and distraction and everything else. I’m trying to stick to Paleo until the race on Sunday and going through comps without twizzlers and everything else is making me a crazy person.
Good luck! I think I gained about seven pounds during comps because I was living and studying at IHOP. You can do it!!!!