Initially I was feeling really mopey about being single during the holidays. It’s lonely. I don’t have a built in “plus one” to holiday parties, no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve (and I’m not making out with a stranger), and when I drink too much it becomes tragic instead of comical. Being single changes the entire meaning of being a drunk. But, I’ve decided to depart from my normal train of thought and focus on the positive side to being single during the holidays.
1. No unsolicited, unfounded, and unwanted opinions about your choice in Christmas decor. At last, my Little Mermaid ornaments and I are at peace.
2. You save so much money. No buying expensive crap for that special someone in your life and their giant family. It’s just you and your big fat wad of cash. Go spread it on your bed (which you no longer have to share with a cover hogging, snoring beast) and sleep on it. Just be careful and don’t reunite pre- Christmas/Hannukah or you will be SOL in the gift department.
3. No more tears and drama over holiday plans. Farewell to “we will go to my parents for 22 minutes, your mom’s for 27, your dad’s for 21, your ex-stepsister’s for 15, your grandma’s for 18, my grandma’s for 19, run back to our place to pee and do gifts for 7, my aunt’s for 27, your nephew’s for 8, your brother’s for 6, and my grandfather’s ex-wife’s sister’s for 12.” You go where you want when you want. And if you are lucky, that place is serving alcohol and you rode with your parents. You suddenly aren’t driving around all day and you have a solid buzz with a designated driver. You win.
4. Again, not having to deal with someone else’s family. It’s such a big deal it deserves multiple spots. Even if you LOVE that family, you automatically reduce the number of bad foods you have choke down, presents to buy, hours spent procuring cage-free and acid-free wrapping paper for his hippie sister, days spent wrapping gifts, frequency that you cut your hand on the damn tape dispenser, awkward hugs, pretending to love things you don’t, painful and exhausting small talk, and fake smiling your way to holiday nirvana by at least 50%.
5. Less holiday stress and drama. It’s hard enough dealing with your own expectations and responsibilities, now you don’t have someone else’s crazy rubbing off on you.
6. Don’t fret that you have lost your date for your holiday parties, revel in the fact that you won’t have to answer the following questions for once this year:
- why aren’t y’all engaged?
- when are you getting married?
- why aren’t you married?
- when is he going to ask you?
- why hasn’t he asked you?
- what’s wrong with you?
- how did you get him to date you?
- why aren’t you married?
See?? That’s awesome.
7. And keeping with the holiday party happiness, you also don’t have to attend his parties and spend three hours having your boobs visually molested by his creeper boss.
8. No one to give you judgmental looks and panicked glances when you polish off the entire batch of sugar cookies you “made for work.”
9. You can spend New Years Eve with the “flu” and wallow on the couch with a jar of Nutella, two bottles of wine, your obese dog, and Love Actually and ain’t nobody gonna be there to say SHIT about it.
10. The Advent calendar chocolate is all yours. Twenty-four glorious little chunks of chocolate heaven. And you don’t even have to open them one day at a time, you can go hog wild and just maul that bitch all at once if you need to.
11. Take advantage of your tragedy. Use other people’s pity for you and your sad sack of a situation to get out of events you hate. Such as, “I would love to come to your rockin’ sugar-free tofu gingerhouse building party but going to events alone is just still too hard on me. Maybe next year?” See?? They’ll give you pity face or pity hug or awkward pity pat on the arm and you are FREE (do go do number 9 or even 10 if you haven’t already done so)!
12. No one to hold you accountable for your New Year’s resolutions or your total failure at them two days after the fact.
Why are you happy to be single (or wishing you were single) during the holidays?