The past two weeks have been so weird. I know I said this on Friday, but it kind of feels as if 100 years have passed. I cannot believe the weekend of July 4th was just two short weeks ago. The thought of it leaves me completely confounded because nothing has made any sense at all since the morning of July 9th. I took a few days off here and there since then, so I think that has added to the general discombobulation.
It’s now strange to imagine that I lived 30 years without the loss of someone so close. Life seems so much more fragile now. It’s hard to believe that any of us survive it. Like most people, I have lost dearly beloved grandparents and family members, but they were all over 80 and in most cases suffering from some long-term sickness. While I miss them terribly and was saddened for them to go, I could understand why and process that it was the best for several of them. As a child, I worried about losing my parents or sister, but it never occurred to me that I would lose a friend. It seems so silly and ridiculous, but I honestly never thought that I would wake up to a world without one of them.
I always thought the worst part of losing someone was dealing with their absence and the specific pain of that experience, but I now realize that “worst part” should be plural. I wasn’t prepared for how incredibly terrible it would be to see the people I love in that kind of misery. I am very lucky to be a part of a group of people that treats everyone like family. We know each other’s parents and siblings, friends from childhood, people from work, grandmas and cousins, and the families of significant others. I didn’t realized the extent to which we were all so entwined until I saw those people in pain. I don’t think any of us realize the degree to which we love and care for each other. I was shocked at how much it hurt and how deeply it ran.
The one thing to come out of all of this is that I think we will all be better at being friends. I’m terrible at keeping in touch. I just assume that people don’t want to be bothered and everything is fine if I don’t hear from them. From this point on, I think we will all be a lot more Caroline and spend more time inserting ourselves into each other’s lives without apology or permission. I get so worried that I will be a bother or inconvenience to someone that it’s easy to forget that connection and contact is the entire point of friendship. We have all agreed that we are all now fine with being completely annoying.
I didn’t know I could cry so much and so easily. I feel like I maintain a mostly sound control over my emotions. I can smile when I’m angry, shove down tears when I’m overwhelmed by the cuteness of otters holding hands, and pretend that everything is fine when I just really want to shank someone in the eye. But, now, my feelings and emotions are barely contained just below the surface of my eyeballs. Everything makes me cry. Everything. I don’t like crying in front of people and I don’t like not being able to stop it, but I guess I’m now living life as a person with feelings. No bueno. I never thought I would be crying in the grocery store over iced animal crackers because we used to eat them at the beach, then bitch about how we would never take them again because they are so messy when your hands are damp. And then we bought them and took them with us every time. Why animal crackers, WHY!
This was an excessive amount of mental vomit, but I still kind of feel like everything is stupid at this point. I’ve had such a bad attitude and I straight up loathe the people who have the audacity to laugh or be cheerful on the bus to work. I cannot understand what there is to be happy about, and that is terrible. I’m going to get it together this week, so hopefully things will move from straight depressing to just straight annoyed (the usual state). I told myself I could have two weeks of being a mess, then I had to start trying to get it together. While living with Caroline I went through a break up. And while that break up was necessary, it still hurt. That little jerk only let me cry and wallow in bed for less than an afternoon before she pulled me out, handed me a beer, and told me to put some pants on and deal with life (life being carving pumpkins on the porch with her and Greg). In the spirit of her own attitude about life’s challenges, I need to get it together and relax with the overwhelming hatred of everything (and go back to just general hatred of most things).
Because no one likes a post without pictures and Caroline would never leave you alone until she got you to smile, I will leave you with this gem: “Caroline, the Fat Cherub, and that other Bitch (also fat).”