A League of Our Own

Y’ALL! The craziest thing happened. I still can’t believe it. As I mentioned before, I’m playing on the softball team for work. And, as  you probably know by now, I suck at sports. So, I spend the majority of the game praying that the ball doesn’t get hit in my direction and if the ball does come toward me that it doesn’t actually hit me. Also, many prayers that I don’t fall down when batting. Between the sand, the awkwardness of swinging a bat while kind of ducking because I’m a grown woman who is terrified of the ball (IT’S FLYING AT MY FACE!), and just me being me, I know it’s coming. It’s a full hour of fear and anxiety.

21 Reasons Why "A League Of Their Own" Deserves A Lot More Love

Just a big ol’ ball of nerves. I get so anxious that I can’t even pull it together to make fun of my coworker who runs like she’s a fancy trotting horse:

I didn’t get to make any jokes about being a dandy or losing her tophat.

Anyway, I spend a lot of time worrying about all the ways I can totally and completely fail the team. I’m not the worst player, but I’m definitely on that side of the bell curve. So, on Tuesday night, I went up to bat. All strikes. No points. Pure failure.

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And our couch is just the nicest guy. He’s so positive and encouraging it’s ridiculous. I can’t even deal with his cheerfulness sometimes. You don’t need to tell me good job when a ball gets hit past me (far into left field) and the shortstop outruns and beats me to it. When I started running, he was about at least 30 yards behind me. That’s embarrassing. You can tell me it was bad.

21 Reasons Why "A League Of Their Own" Deserves A Lot More Love

During our last time to bat, I was up. The bases were loaded and we had two outs. First ball. Strike. Second ball. Foul. Third ball.

I hit it!! All the way past the center fielder. IT WAS A MIRACLE! I made it all the way to third base before they got the ball back and all the other runners scored points (<- I feel like that might not be the right term).

We lost the game by two points, but I don’t even care. This was my greatest athletic achievement. I have now reached the pinnacle of my athletic career. It’s all downhill from here. I hope people don’t expect anything more from me for the rest of the season.

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WTF Wednesday

Last week, I was zipping up my favorite pair of work trousers when the zipper broke off completely.

I was on my way to a meeting when it happened and had about three more after, so it was a while before I could find a safety pin.

Then, on Thursday at about 7:57 in the AM, I discovered a massive hole in the seam along the crotch of a completely different pair of pants.

The dry cleaners are out to destroy me.

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I’m not just made of pants. I sewed up the second pair, but replacing a zipper is a bit of a pain in the ass.

 

For some reason, when I can’t sleep my stomach feels like death the next day. I could not fall asleep to save my life on Sunday night, so between the Easter eating and that, Monday was rough. I finally ate something around 4 and my coworker was surprised that I was just then eating for the first time that day. I said “Well, you know when you overdo it eating and the next day you feel kind of awful?” and he said, “Nope.” I thought he was joking at first, but then he told me that he really has no idea what I’m talking about and he never feels badly after eating because he just stops when he’s full.

I don’t even know what to think about this. He must be an alien.

I also had to pick where we were going to go for our monthly department lunch. I picked a place nearby which everyone immediately deemed as uncool and “so over.”

I don’t understand why they don’t get this.

Every time I hear kids on the bus talking about how they cannot wait to graduate and be finished with college:

Enjoy it you fools!!!

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Jesus Likes it when You Smile

My weekend was so full of the consumption (took me a while to realize why “consummation” was not the right word to use there. . . yikes) of things I did not need that I can barely function today. I’m over getting older and having heartburn for three days because I needed pizza.

On Friday night, I headed south to celebrate my friend Laura’s birthday. The big ol’ 2-9. Enjoy it because that year slips by so quickly. We went to dinner at Cody’s Bistro & Lounge in San Marcos and started the night with a big plate of cheese.

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I don’t know what I would do if I had a friend who didn’t like cheese. I guess we just couldn’t be friends? While we waited on our meal, we took some photos with the birthday girl.

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Just rocking that headband like a proper hippie. After dinner, we hit the bars to get started on our wild night. It was not even 8 and the sun was still up. Whatever. Because it was Laura’s birthday and Laura’s body still processes alcohol like it’s 22, we had to do shots.

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Ugh. Shots. Shots are terrible. I hate them so much. We were all pretty tired from the work week, so we headed home before midnight. I ordered pizza on the way home and made the catastrophic decision to only order one large pizza. They were all pissy because we tore through that quickly, but I didn’t see any of them offering to even make the pizza happen at all.

So ungrateful. On Saturday, my sister and I headed to my parents and I proceeded to lay on the couch feeling terrible all day. Thankfully, by Sunday I had recovered just enough to tear through this after church:

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About half of those casseroles include some kind of chips as a topping. That’s how you know they are good. There was a huge kerfuffle last year because no one brought deviled eggs. We did not have that problem this year:

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After lunch, we took some pictures for my grandma. My mom encouraged us to look like we liked each other, so we gave her some awkward group cuddle.

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I saw other children being tortured for pictures and overheard one mother say, “Jesus likes it when you smile.” I feel like good photos are a bit of an abuse of the threat of eternal damnation. Save it for the big stuff. After church my sister and I went back home and I laid on the couch for an hour and tried not to die. Too much eating.

I had a friend coming over to watch Game of Thrones, so I had to hop over to the store to buy cheese and beer. I never realized how stressful it is buying cheese for someone you don’t know very well. I’m an equal opportunity cheese consumer, so I forget that there are people who have very strong preferences for certain kinds. I spent about thirty minutes stressing over it, but settled for some Gouda, Irish Cheddar, and Brie. Thankfully, there wasn’t a crumb to be had at the end of the episode.

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Magnificent Men of Monday

Also playing a sport I didn’t realize existed is Chris Masten. Get with the program America, we neeeeed this sport.

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And we make the same painful running face. Except I don’t have the abs.

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